Of course, it came out in 2005, so it was a little hokey and in true Lifetime fashion, was melodramatic and exaggerated. But it got me thinking about the internet and porn. Like y’do.

It boggles my mind that people still pay for porn on the internet. There are a zillion sites out there that give you porn for free, yet people are still willing to be $29.99 a month to jerk off. (And you’re not fooling anyone, if you’ve got one subscription, you’ve probably got more.)

I have no issue with porn, but I am on a budget. I just think it’s stupid to pay for something you can get aplenty for free. But whatever — maybe there’s just not enough free “busty redhead amputees masturbating chimps in smoking jackets” videos for your particular fetish.

(I can’t wait to see what the search results gods bring after that one.)

Penny-pinching aside, it occurred to me that my overall sense of porn is that it’s kind of passé. Granted, I’m not a 14 year old boy, who might have a different take on it, but it just seems kind of… eh. I work on the internet a minimum of 10 hours a day and I don’t think I run across anything porn-related… maybe ever.

Granted, I may just be so jaded that I filter it out. Perhaps I just don’t even notice it anymore. You’ve seen one beaver, you’ve seen them all, right? (There’s a whole diverse grooming conversation that I could digress to, but I’ll save that for another time.)

This lead to a conversation with mikey the other night about how the media/society, along with the internet and the mainstreaming of porn celebrity has kind of blurred the lines of sexy.  Everything is awash with sex (that painted a visual I didn’t anticipate) to the point that everything seems almost homogenized.

In design, it’s like when you make everything bold. If everything is bold, nothing is emphasized, so in essence, nothing is bold. Everything is “sexy” now, so in turn, not much is all that sexy. Very little is provocative, very little shocks anymore, so titillation is, in my opinion, socially at an all time low, despite there being an endless barrage of boobs and booty.

mikey agreed with me, throwing in totally reasonable 40-something man commentary about “kids these days” and “toddlers and tiaras” and “girls thinking they had to be slutty to be sexy”.  Which lead to a conversation about how while I believe everything he’d said to be true, as a man he still occasionally enjoys porn and isn’t that a convenient paradox? Neither of us could pin down what that’s about other than men are “wired differently”.

(Statistically, women use their imaginations more often when it comes to sex overall, than men who prefer literal visual input. I’m also totally pulling that official sounding statement out of my ass because I’m too lazy to Google supporting evidence, but I think we can agree we’ve all heard that before, whether or not it’s actually true.)

So, maybe it’s because I’m a woman or maybe it’s my age or maybe it’s just me, but things I find sexy are usually a product of my own mind these days because all the allegedly sexy things around me just seems like… oatmeal. Beige. Boring.

Which brings me back to porn on the internet. For all the talk people do about corruption of the internet on young people and porn being rampant, I actually sometimes forget there’s porn online. I never encounter it unless I’m just not noticing it. Like I told mel earlier via chat, you’d pretty much have to flop a hulking black schlong in the middle of the screen in 3D for me to notice. And even then, I might just try to close it. “F#$%ing Chrome! I can’t get rid of this pop-up!”

I hope it’s not just me, that I’m not turning into some wisened old lady, but society’s notion of sex just isn’t all that sexy anymore. *shrug*

There’s more to this story, but none of which I feel is the business of the Internet.  Maybe a book someday (man, it would make a good semi-fictionalized memoir), but not the Internet… not yet, perhaps not ever.

To say that I have little experience with traditional “family” is an understatement and it shows in how I’ve dealt with the recent online reunion between myself and my two half-brothers, D. and M.  I’ve spent the last 19 years of my life winging it on my own and accountable to no one but myself for my choices or my actions — even the overall idiocy of my early 20′s.   Suddenly, this insta-family had me up in arms, feeling the need to not embarrass them, to somewhat censor myself, worrying about what they’ll think of me.   I realize we’re just three people who share DNA and we’re not technically “family”, but having spent so much time without one, I rather like the idea.  It gives me heartburn, but it intrigues me.

Both brothers seem like very kind, funny, intelligent, upstanding men. They have lovely families and what appear to be successful and happy lives. They’re both handsome and have traits that remind me of my…er… our dad.  It’s kind of nice to know I’m not the only one left with a bit of Dad in them. It’s been sort of fun to note similarities between the three of us and differences, as well.  I’m happy to be getting to know them as people — not necessarily as siblings — even though it’s been interesting at times.

I ‘reunited’ with one brother, M., through this very blog a few years ago and panicked accordingly.  Just because he found me didn’t mean I wanted to be found, blah blah blah. What gives you the right to barge into my life, blah blah blah.  This is not the Waltons, yadda yadda yadda.  I eventually got over that — ok, I’m working on it — but it’s still a little weird for me sometimes.  We have similarities — probably more than we realize.  He’s genuine, honest and pretty patient, but much like me in temper.  We bicker like siblings… which I find oddly comforting.

The other I thought I would never, ever meet.  I really truly thought he would just be some mystery — like a unicorn — but thanks to the Internet, he recently found a post I made a decade ago on a genealogy website and now… well, now I follow him on Twitter.  Ah, technology!  Bringing people together one tweet at a time.  He’s great, though, and I like his sense of humor… it’s sort of familiar in a way.

What hadn’t occurred to me until this morning is I’m no longer an only child. In fact, I’m not the only, nor am I the oldest.  I’m the youngest of four children. (There’s an eldest half-sister, V., whom I’ve met a couple times, but who didn’t seem interested in staying connected… which is fine, whatever — I kind of get it.)

Being single with no husband or children of my own and without any immediate or extended family really in my life for the last couple decades, it’s been a lot of information to take in.  A lot.  While it might take some time (if ever) before we’re fighting over a drumstick at Thanksgiving,  I’m glad we’ve sought each other out.  I’ve never been a little sister before.

I’m hoping it might get me a little more excited about the Internet again.  I’ve been feeling a lack of community excitement, you know?  When I started blogging, it was exciting… everyone was getting to know everyone else… exploring new territory, blogging was fresh, blah blah blah.  Now it seems as if it’s gotten more about self-promotion, more ‘insta-success’ expectation, everything in a Twitter-sized Pownce-filled Plurk-laden serving.  Yet with all of our social networking, I feel like the internet as a community has turned more inward as opposed to reaching out, or at least, that’s how it seems.  With the advent of RSS feeds, people rarely comment anymore, where in the beginning, that’s how people got to know each other and found new blogs to read, not by lurking via Google Reader.  And I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this as well.  Life is busy and feeds make it easier.  Times change…

I’m kind of in this wedge where I don’t have children, so I don’t fall into the mommyblogger groups and communities of which there seem to be so many of these days and where so many women my age tend to hang out.  Many of the bloggers I knew that used to run with the “single crowd” have now gotten married and/or had babies. I got older, they got older and that’s where they are in their lives.  That’s a good thing and I’m happy they have a place to do their mom thing… not only for them, but for Kathy and because it pays my bills!  You go moms, get down with your bad selves. 

But my other interests, like design and stuff, well… I never see or talk to many of my colleagues until it’s SXSW time, for the most part.  We have a few colleagues that we know and love, but mostly because we’ve invested time in those relationships.  With others there can sometimes be an ever-so-slight feeling of competition. I think that prevents me from developing stronger friendships, regardless of how much I like the person, which is kind of disappointing.  And that’s not necessarily on them; we’ve been stung by that bee before and I’m officially allergic to drama.

I feel like I don’t really have a niche right now and I could stand to explore new things and other interests.  I’m hoping Yelp will be a nice way to get to know new people and new businesses in my area, whether or not anything ever comes from it.

If you’re a Yelper and want to add me to your friends list, please feel free… especially if you’re in San Diego!