About half a martini later (I know, I don’t know what was up with that), I left to go to Target but when I came back, there was some guy up on the terrace with GFI and Slick. It was dark and I couldn’t see who he was, but GFI shouted down to me, “This is Chester!  You’ve got to come up and meet Chester!” I wasn’t really in the mood, it was cold, but she sounded like she really wanted me up there and I didn’t like her being up there in the dark with two guys, one a total stranger.

So I got up and there’s Chester.  He’s an older guy, like in his 60’s with white thinning hair, a golf shirt, jeans and white tennis shoes.  He looks slightly grizzled, like he’s spent time in a whiskey bottle and smelled a bit like it, too.  He was swigging a beer and moments after introducing ourselves, he tells me he’s had half a bottle of tequila before he came upstairs to meet the neighbors.  Charming.

Anyway, this guy is kind of creepy.  He’s lived in our building for 3 years on the opposite side and is a chauffeur. He’s got a town car and a Corvette he parks in the back. We’d never met him or even seen him before Friday night.  Something about the way he looked at me made me really uncomfortable, same with GFI.  He has this wide thin smile (slightly open-mouthed but doesn’t show teeth) and kinda beady eyes that make him look like Robin Williams and Jonathan Winter had a lovechild.  He was nice, so I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but I’m usually a pretty good judge of character.  I usually know how to call it and this guy… he just didn’t sit well with me.  But again, I didn’t want to make snap judgments about a half-drunk stranger in the dark.

(Why do I feel like I’ve said that before?)

GFI mentions that she was having trouble in the back lot with some guy coming to rummage through our garbage dumpster at 5am, when she leaves for work and without missing a beat, Chester says, “Yes, I’ve seen you leaving.” A little creepy on it’s own, but not that weird, but when I said, “I’ve lived here since April.” he looks me straight in the eye and says in that same weird voice, “Yes, I know.” Then as I tried to excuse myself for the evening, I said, “Well, it was nice meeting you, Chester.  Thanks for stopping by.  I’m home most of the time…” but was interrupted with the creepy, “Yes, I know.” again.  Why??  WHY do you “know”?  I’ve never seen you before in my life!  I went downstairs, but they continued to hang out.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that this guy was creepy and now the idea that we’ve been watched the whole time we’ve lived here totally gave me the willies.  Chester’s bedroom window looks out over the parking lot, so every time we’ve gotten in the car, done the laundry, emptied the garbage… he could have been watching from his bedroom window. Which, by the way, has always got the blinds closed except for one cracked open just a little.

The next day, I talk to GFI and we concur that Chester is freaky.  I guess after I left on Friday, the party moved down to Slick’s and there was some awkward dancing that GFI had a hard time politely extracting herself from.  (Ladies, you know what I mean?  You don’t want to be rude, but you don’t want to feel their potential creepy wood, either.) The next day, he leaves his card on her car: “Please call”, it says. (Why did he know it was her car? He’s been watching.) Then, I hear this tapping on my wall behind my couch… the wall that on the opposite side runs a pathway alongside the building to the parking lot.  Then I heard my door rattle, but I didn’t answer (my doorbell is broken). Moments later, GFI sends me a text, “Are you at my door?” But lo, it was CHESTER. He’d left the card on her car, then tapped the wall along my apartment to see if I wanted to come out and play.  Then he went to GFI’s, then Slick’s, then back to GFI’s, back to mine and he left.

First of all, you don’t “pop in”.  We hate the Pop-In, she and I both. So that was annoying in itself, but it’s been a mere 10 hours since we saw you, sir.  You’re ready to come back for more already?

GFI and I sat outside on the terrace a little while later on Saturday and sure enough, within 10 minutes, Chester was lumbering up the hill to us with that creepy love child smile, calling out what a good time he had with us.  We didn’t move but to say hello. He stood at the foot of the stairs, waiting for us to invite him up, but we never did, so eventually he got the hint and wandered away.

We both seriously thought that this would be the last of Chester, but I shit you not, the next day GFI went to do her laundry and he cornered her.  She went down early Sunday morning, put the wash in, timed it and came back.  She could see someone had been in the laundry room after her, but wasn’t too worried about it.  She put her wash in the dryer, timed it and came back to find the washers running, so clearly someone had been there. This time, she said as she was loading the laundry in her basket, the hair on the back of her neck stood up and when she turned around, Chester was standing in the doorway.

He had both hands on the door jam so she couldn’t get past.  After chatting her up for a few minutes (“I was so drunk the other night… blah blah blah”), she finally managed to wiggle past him out of the laundry room and then… he asked her out.

HE ASKED HER OUT.  The man is like, SIXTY!  At least!  GFI is 33? (I forget… 35? Somethin’. I can never remember if she’s older or younger than me. I’m sure she’ll clarify.) Anyway, I’m no ageist, I’m not saying people can’t find love in a May/December relationship, but come on. He was clearly timing her. She just met this guy 2 days ago, he’s her neighbor, he seems perpetually intoxicated, and he’d alluded (on Friday night) that he had a master key the building because he does “some maintenance” (which this is the first we’ve EVER heard of him), so she was pretty freaked out. I was pretty freaked out!

So, after rebuffing him, I think he got the picture.  Except our landlord decided in a moment of infinite stupidity to copy Chester on an email that he sent to GFI… giving him not only her email, but her last name. Oh, and he kindly passed on GFI’s phone number… and Chester called it.

Talk about inappropriate!  Ross told me to buy a baseball bat, but I’m not too worried about me.  He clearly likes GFI, but I think he got the picture when she declined his date, she didn’t take or return his call and we didn’t invite him up — we’ve not seen him for a while. 

But now, whenever I empty the trash, I make sure I’m wearing a bra and I give his window the finger.  *shudder*