Isn’t that first quote from The Producers?

It wasn’t something I said.. I was probably 3 or so, and a neighbor kid of my grandma’s came around the garden when I was out playing. He said “Hands up or pants down” pointing at me with a toy gun.

First my hands shot up in the air and then, as if I’d given it some thought, my hands came down to my waist and I pulled my panties down too (it was summer and hot) and flung my arms back up in the air.

I don’t actually remember the event itself, but I’ve been told about it for as long as I can remember.

I’ve said too many stupid things to even remember a single incident..

I remember a similar moment so clearly, as my Mom, my Gram and my Aunty Nancy were MORTIFIED at what I said.  I do not remember where I heard the word.  I was about 6 and my Gram was bitching about her upstairs neighbor being noisy, and I said “At least she is not wicked grumpy and mean like that dumb cunt that lives below you.”

OMG.  I will NEVER forget the looks on their faces.  My Aunty Nancy died for a moment, I swear.

HAHAHAA....

I had no idea what I had said that caused such an uproar, and none of them ever mentioned the incident ever again.  LOL

Not so much using an inappropriate word, but saying inappropriate things.  Like mentioning to someone that their mother SURE LIKES HER HOUSE TO BE CLEAN (the woman was a little nuts about it), or YOUR MOM SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T SPEAK ENGLISH VERY WELL.  You just don’t have tact when you’re a young kid.

Ladies don’t say “pussy”?  Well....fuck.

Joelle…
I have to tell you ( and I hope it you don’t freak out) I have been reading your blog for YEARS !!!  (since around 2004) and have never once commented… but this one.. this was the “Big One” I almost wet myself laughing.. maybe because I can totally relate to being the one to say the wrong thing (at any age) or maybe because you have posted pictures of your younger self at Easter looking so darn cute… and then to imagine THAT coming out of your mouth.. just kills me… I can only guess that the only thing funnier might have been the look on your cousin’s face.
Well… I did it… I am finally out of the closet… so to speak.
I might just comment again ......in 4 years or so.
Sometimes your blog just makes my day…
Best Wishes…

When I was maybe 4, my mom was talking to one of her friends. They were sitting on the couch and I was playing Strawberry Shortcake on the carpet. They were talking about some other woman they knew, and apparently didn’t like, because they were talking pretty badly about her.

My mom said “Well, you know how she is. She gets him all excited and then doesn’t follow through. And it’s not just him, she does that with all the men she dates, until they get fed up and walk out the door. She’s just such a...a...um, what’s the word...?

Me: “She’s a cock tease mom.” (while the Purple Pie Man chases Lemon Meringue around 2 Smurfs)

The look of horror on my mom’s face was like nothing I had ever seen before. She told me that what I said was a very bad word and to never say it again.

Looking back, I am both proud and disturbed that, from the gist of the conversation, I used “cock tease” correctly.

Hmm, I can’t really recall saying anything too horrible (and certainly nothing I get teased about....I get teased about how much of a “chatterbox” I was, but nothing specific).  I can, however, totally relate to proudly displaying your underwear!

I remember in preschool I had a pair of Wonder Woman underoos--the undershirt with the design of the corset and blue panties with white stars), and whenever I wore them, I would loooooove to show everyone how awesome they were--pulling up my shirt, lifting up my skirt, whatever!  I mean, come on, it’s WONDER WOMAN!!  That underwear ruled!!

Sorry this is so long, but I have two for you, one courtesy of my twin brother and one courtesy of yours truly:

When we were about nine, my family went to a birthday party for my dad hosted by one of my parent’s friends.  There were only adults there, with the exception of my twin, our two older siblings and myself.  My brother spent most of the first half of the party going around to about 30 adults asking, “What do you call a Roman with hair caught in his teeth? A Gladiator” (Glad-he-ate-her, get it? [removed]void(0);
wink

It came back around to my horrified parents eventually.  He told them he had heard it for the first time that day but had no idea what it meant.  Of course, I followed my brother around the party, laughing at what he said but I, too had no idea what it meant.

Mine wasn’t a shout out more than it was...well, let’s just call it poor judgment.

I was in second grade and my teacher asked if anyone had anything for Show and Tell.  No one raised their hand so I figured I’d give it a try.  I walked up to the front of the class and said, “This is funny!”

I proceeded to go through the “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these” routine, proudly pulling my shirt away from my flat chest as far as I could.

I had 30 pairs of eyes on me but the room was so quiet, I swear you could hear crickets.  I literally side-stepped my way back to my desk. 

To this day, I firmly believe this is the root of my fear of public speaking.

I’m not proud of this one, but I invented the “n” word.  Yup.  Lil ole me.  I was about 5 or 6 and my sister and I were just making up words that rhyme and worked our way to “figure”,"jigger”,"wigger”,"n...." We thought we made up a new word and ran to our dad to show him how smart we were.  He was pissed!
The irony?  His is one of the biggest racists I know.  Looking back, I wonder if the prick was proud?

Well, there was a character on Welcome Back Kotter, Rosalie Totsy that they called Hotsy Totsy.  That is what I thought of immediately when I started reading your entry, LOL.

I recall when I was probably around 5 or 6 and was at my grandma’s house, and my aunt (she was only 4 years older than me) was talking about their dog shedding.  Shedding?  I corrected her.  Shitting.  The dog was shitting.  Never realizing that I really thought the appropriate term for loss of hair was shitting.  Sigh.

When I was in the fifth grade, the teacher let student who were doing well in spelling actually give the spelling tests sometimes.  Well, I was chosen one time and I was pretty proud.  I had to read the word, use it in a sentence, and read it again.
Now-keep in mind that my mom was a huge Days of Our Lives fan and I would watch it with her when I got out of school.
So I got to a certain word and said:  “Affair.  I hope Mrs. Mader is not having an affair.  Affair.”
If looks could kill . . . .  She made me stop there and no students were ever allowed to give spelling tests again.

Joelle, while I laughed at your story, I damn near peed my pants at Jen’s.  I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even repeat it to my friend sitting next to me.  That was awesome.  Thank you both for sharing. 

Mine can’t compare with cock tease or the others, but I do have a regrettable experience to share.  We had just won a Junior High football away game and were riding back on the bus.  So we’re all kind of giddy about winning and feeling all celebratory.  And—note—this is junior high so our maturity levels are not highly evolved yet.  We’re yelling, high-fiving, singing, whatever—just being obnoxious pre-teens.  The bus is stopped to get gas and there are some military guys standing outside the bus.  I lean my head out the window and scream, “Hey guys, what the hell happened in ‘Nam?” I, of course, was not aware of the strong emotions tied to the Vietnam War era and all the trauma associated with it.  All I knew was that it was a war we lost.  It didn’t help that a couple of the coaches were Vietnam vets.  Pissed them off royally.  The only positive thing that came out of it was that I was so confused by everyone’s reaction that I did some research and learned what all the fuss was about.  Guess that’s one way to motivate kids to learn history....

Seriously the best laugh I’ve had all year.  THAT WAS FUNNY.

The only thing that springs to mind as seriously embarrassing but innocent was okay I must have been 4ish, my parents were big into camping and where do you go to the bathroom when you’re camping?  Just wherever behind a tree, right?  So I’m 4 and a brilliant, out playing in the yard as you do, I get the urge to relieve myself and think, “why stop playing and go all the way inside the house for a toilet when there are all these trees?!” Yeah, brilliant, I agree! But the neighbors made some calls and I had to stop peeing all over God’s creation.  People are so picky!

LOL! Well I honestly can’t beat your stories, or anyone else’s, but I’ll share mine anyway. When I was maybe 7 or 8 my mom, my brothers, and I were walking around the mall. There was a group of slow moving, odd looking people walking toward us, and I blurted out, “Look mom! Nerd herd!” Of course, at the time I didn’t realize those people were mentally handicapped and I couldn’t figure out why my Mom was just about dying from embarrassment.

Going to share a funny story here - forgive the long-windedness....

My Godmother and her whole family (her mom and dad, her daughter, her grandson, aunts and uncles) were all out at a little country restaurant (like a smaller Cracker Barrel) for her mom’s birthday.  They all sat down and glanced over the menus, deciding what to order. 

The waitress, who was an older lady, came around to take their orders.

Godmother - “I’ll have the chicken fried steak....”

Her mom - “Fried chicken, potatoes....”

Her dad - “Meatloaf....”

Then the waitress gets to the grandson, who is about 4 years old.

Waitress - “What would you like to order, young man?”

He pauses for a moment.  “I think I will try the pussy.”

Forks drop, glasses fall over, people gasp, eyes are bulging out.

My Godmother - “ Jeremiah !! WHAT did you say?????”

Grandson - “I think I will have the pussy”

My Godmother - “ Jeremiah!!!!”

Grandson - “Well Kenny at day care said that his daddy has it all the time, and says that it’s REALLY good!!!”

I don’t think they have been back at that restaurant to this day.

Another show and tell story…

My sisters taught me a song for show and tell.  So I proudly got up in front of my 2nd grade class and sang, “If you’re horny and you know it clap your hands!”

It was my one and only visit to the principal’s office.

I think the poor kid is prolly sexually scarred.  My Godmother told him -"You don;t wanna eat that Jeremiah!  You know what that tastes like??? That tastes like SHIT!”

Imagine if you will when that kid is all grown up, and getting down with some girl.  If she asks him to do “the deed”, he is going to end up saying, “ No way!  My Nanna says that that tastes like shit!”

LOL @Lushy *claps hands*

Don’t remember actually saying anything off color to or around my parents whenI was little but I have to share this incident that is sure to follow my cousin’s daughter, age 4 at the time, for the rest of her life.

We were having a big backyard blowout for my uncle’s 60th birthday and the whole family (including relatives from all over) was there as well as friends, neighbors, etc. The kids were in the pool while the grown-ups were enjoying conversation and beer. Lexi wanted to get out f the pool so she climbed out, grabbed a towel and started down the steps (I was watching the whole thing unfold since she asked for my help with a towel). As she was moving downthe steps she slipped, caught herself and yelled loud enough for everyone to hear “FUCK!”

I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.

Miss Lexi was immediately taken into the house by both her mom and dad (who were mortified) for some quality time-out time.

I laugh everytime I think about it!

I’m breaking the rules and posting more than once… Lushy’s entry reminded me of two visits to the principal’s office. 

The first one occurred when I was very young—probably 2nd grade.  Was in the boy’s bathroom at school and some of the 8th graders were in there.  They asked me to read some graffiti on the wall.  It said “Fuck a duck Mr. Cassidy.” Thinking I was going to impress the older kids with my phonetic skills and ability to sound out strange words, I solved the puzzle.  I did the whole Sesame Street/Electric Comany thing—“fff uhh k a duh k mmmis tur kas i dee.” Once I got the sounds in my mouth, I could say them at normal speed.  They asked me to say it louder.  Then louder still.  And again—until they had me shouting it.  That’s when our principal—you guessed it, Mr. Cassidy—walked into the bathroom to see who was shouting profanities.  The 8th graders ran out snickering.  They apparently knew he had been standing just outside the door.....  S-E-T U-P

A few years later, maybe 4th grade, we kids developed a game whereby the first one into the restroom would hide behind a stall door and jump out at the unfortunate 2nd arriver.  I loved this game.  And played it at every opportunity.  So one day, after laying in wait stealthily for a good 2 minutes, I heard footsteps coming into the room.  At the perfect moment, I leaped out and yelled “Raahhr!”

The look on Mr. Cassidy’s face was priceless—horrified shock.  I swear the man jumped two feet off the ground without bending his knees.  Arms flailing, mouth agape, eyes bugging.  It was very cartoonish.  As they say in the South, he was so frightened he swallowed his snuff.

Well my parents were super strict so anything I said was horrible.

I once said “Fart” and man, got an earful. I mean, it’s a fart. Big deal.

But that’s ok, I made up for it by swearing like a truck driver by the time I hit 24. I graduated from “fart” to “suck my tampon and gag on the string”.

See what happens when we’re oppressed?