Princess Grace
Joelle said before her coffee on July 26, 2007
I have a history of falling; stairs, floors, ladders… you name it, I’ve probably fallen from or off of it. Over the years, I’ve developed a minor fear of falling because of this — not enough to keep me from doing things, but enough to occasionally make me bust a few tears when I do fall because it scares me so badly.
When I was about 6 years old, my younger cousin and I were playing in front of my house where there were 20 wide cement stairs that led all the way down to the sidewalk. About halfway down, for whatever reason, my cousin shoved me and I fell to the bottom, twisting my left ankle beneath me.
When I was 11, I had a not-very-nice nanny/housekeeper who threw me down some stairs. That was fun.
When I was 16, while working as a courtesy clerk at Vons, a local grocery store, I slipped on a soapy meat department floor while cleaning it and landed flat on my back, hitting my head and knocking myself unconscious. Oh, and I twisted my same ankle under one of those big rolling meat racks.
When I was 17, at the same grocery store I worked at, I fell down about 6 stairs in the back room while stopping by to get my paycheck on my off-day. The heel on my shoe caught in the hem of my pants and I toppled head-first down the stairs, busting my left kneecap and again, spraining my left ankle.
When I was 22, I fell off a leaning ladder about 4 feet to the ground. The rung underneath my right foot was faulty and it fell right off the ladder.
Just last year I fell in the parking lot of Home Depot in the rain, wearing a skirt and pulled a Britney on a table-full of workmen eating hot dogs. Good times!
And most recently, last night, as I was carrying a plant out to my front porch, greeting GFI for our evening beer chat in the front yard. With my back to the stairs and a houseplant in my right hand, my left foot slipped and off I went! I started to fall backwards and tried to grab the railing, missed, then tried again as I fell backwards down 3 stairs. I finally managed to get a hold of it, but, it doesn’t end there, no....
I couldn’t seem to get my footing, so I kept falling and my whole body swung to the left, still holding on to the railing with my left hand for dear life. I let go when I realized I was going to fall forward anyway, so I could put my hands up and protect my head. I toppled head-first down one more landing, hitting full force on my left side, primarily my shoulder and hip, about an inch from cracking my skull on this big decorative rock we have out there. During all of this, somehow, I smashed my netherbits “Funniest Home Videos"-style against the last cement step I fell down (I’m still not entirely sure how. I’ve tried to figure it out and can’t.) and skidding a little… enough for me to note in my head as I landed, “That’s going to leave road rash.”
Poor GFI was standing there with her beer in one hand, smokes in the other, staring at me going “Oh my god! Oh my god, Jo-Jo! Are you ok? That was like slow-motion!” (Yes, she calls me Jo-Jo. You may not.) “What hurts? What’s broken?!” My response? Basically, it was “Ow, my vagina!”
In hindsight, that’s pretty damn funny.
Anyway, so she kvetches and freaks out. I kvetch and freak out. We discuss how I almost smashed my head on the rock and are amazed that I didn’t come away with more injuries. After I hosed off the dirt and had a beer, I felt better. I’m stiff and my neck is jacked up pretty badly. I think I mildly sprained my left wrist. There are a few scratches down my forearm and what I think are going to be some really delicious bruises down the left side of my body, but overall, I’m alright.
Note to those who dare have a relationship with me: If I say I’m falling for you, there’s a good chance I mean that literally.
Moxie Design Studios™
Oh my god. A woman in our office fell in our stairwell last year and broke both her legs, and that was only one flight, indoors and carpeted. You could have been seriously hurt. I can’t believe you didn’t dislocate your shoulder grabbing the railing. Jeez.
“Ow, my vagina” is pretty hilarious tho.
from hoo-haw, ca
Dude. I’m just glad you’re alive...that was pretty damn scary! Also, pretty damn funny...but waaaay later. Not during, but waaaay later...waaay later, I had side cramps. No scrapes, cuts, road rashing, nothing...minor bruising and a little hoo-haw violating, but overall--it was freaking graceful. It was. Really.
We even had our beer and ciggies shortly after...you’re a damn trooper. Scratch that, TROOP LEADER, that’s what you are!
from Houston • Cocktail: Mango Mojito
I’m sorry. I laughed. I laughed pretty fucking hard, actually. I had to. It made me think of the Brisket Smoker Incident in front of the grocery store where I Superman Face Planted, jacked my knee for several months, ripped my jeans, and lost a favourite lipgloss. But not my dignity because I fell right behind a line of Brisket Smokers (only in Texas) that hid my battle and ultimate loss of said battle with gravity. And then I got up and had my nails done.
And called you that night to bitch.
from Overland Park, KS
Ok, I haven’t fallen *that much* but the ones that mattered are certainly memorable.
Glad you didn’t break your ass, sista. (Me thinks perhaps that houseplant was out to get you...you should kick it in it’s little green taco. Clearly it’s a female plant, and it’s jealous of how beyootiful you are.)
from LSMO
Ouch! I’m sorry I couldn’t help but lol at your story. I like the others am surprised you didn’t get more injured. I was a clutz in my younger years - 3 broken collar bones, stiches 2x, tenus shot for nail in foot.
So far in my old age I’m good.
Yikes! Glad you survived!
I have a habit of falling too, but luckily haven’t had any serious injuries. I used to fall down the stairs as a kid all the time, and I have no idea why. In high school on my way out the door to a Homecoming dance, I fell down the rain-soaked front porch steps, tearing my hose in the process. I took them off and went to the dance (busted knee and all) anyway. When I got home later, my mom just about had a heart attack because she thought I’d been sexually assaulted or something.
And then a few years later, on my way out the front door on a first date, I fell down the icy front porch steps (are you noticing a trend here?) and busted my ass. My ego was bruised only slightly more than my ass, which was saved by the pager I had in my back pocket. I found the pager laying on the front steps later with a HUGE gash in the casing. All I could think was “That could have been my ass!”
Not to mention the two times I fell on my ass in a restaurant full of people while working as a hostess, or that time just last year that I fell on my way into work… Gravity is such a bitch.
from Santa Barbara, CA
Wow you must be a very graceful faller! I am so glad to hear that you weren’t seriously hurt, and am amazed that you were so relatively unscathed after all those tumbles down stairs. Although I have a fear of falling down stairs, I have never actually done it--though I have fallen UP stairs.
Anyway, glad you can look back and see the humor and again that you are OK!
from The Detective Agency
I don’t fall down a lot, but I’m ALWAYS running into things - I have random bruises everywhere, to the point where my Woo-Woo Doc asked me if my boyfriend ever hit me. Nope, just clumsy.
I would like to state that you didn’t fall once when I saw you last (a YEAR ago, le sigh.)
from Escanaba, MI • Cocktail: Fabulous-Tini
OMG! I can totally understand why you’d have a fallfobia. Glad you’re okay! But.... LOL “Ow, my vagina!”
from SoCal
Faith has had some rather memorable falls. One of my favs was the time she was taking a couple pieces of luggage down the stairs in one of our homes and I heard her crash. I ran to see how she was and saw her head and her feet but nothing else as the luggage had ended up on top of her. I laughed a bit (it was FUNNY!) and went to get our Mom. Twin definitely was not my fan for a while after that incident. It’s not like I pushed her!
Falls suck. And I hope you recover as gracefully as I believe you fell. (Is it odd that it played out like a ballet in my head? I can’t see it any other way.)
I fall down so much I should probably wear a helmet. Seriously. I have been dubbed The Girl That Falls Down™ by friends.
It’s an auspicious title.
OMG. Glad you are ok.