Motel 6 Called, They Want Their Duvet Back
Joelle said around lunch time on June 19, 2007 while listening to John Coltrane - Angelica
One of my little stress-relieving activities is clipping the coupons from the Sunday paper while I listen to music or watch mindless trash television. My favorite part, aside from finding $2.00 off of razor blades, are the adverts for ridiculous, usually hideous items that you couldn’t fathom anyone actually buying. Usually, it’s something like a too-good-to-be-true porcelain Christmas tree covered in Yorkshire terriers or a never-to-be-seen-again collectors plate series from the epic drama, Dances with Wolves.
But last night, I was clipping Sunday’s coupons and sadly, I could very well see people ordering these. If you’ve ever shopped at a Wal-mart or visited the grocery store at god-thirty on a Saturday morning, you’ve seen these little numbers. I bring you, The Most Comfortable Lounger You Will Ever Wear! (Also known as Straight-Up Fugly Polyester Mumu!)
Holy bedspreads, Batman! Seriously, ladies, would you wear this? I could see how it would be comfortable, but I could cut a hole in a swimming pool cover and that might be comfortable, too. I see it comes in a wide array of sizes and has “freedom of movement”, but c’mon… “elegant”? Yes, I really should stock up on these for all those black tie functions I attend. The next time I have a cocktail party, I’ll throw on that Midnight Border frock because we all know black is great for evening. Then, I’ll greet my guests with a tray of Pabst, pimento loaf and squeeze cheese on a Ritz.
And another thing… “fashionable patterns”? Really? I would love to know in what solar system those patterns are considered fashionable. I haven’t seen Heidi Klum sporting anything in “Scarlet Floral” or “Teal Garden” this season, have you? Unless we’re talking like, Lunch Lady uniforms. I could see that look being really hot with the cafeteria staff. Can you imagine actually buying these? Like, to wear? On purpose? (And if I’ve insulted anyone who actually owns these, you’ll get over it just like you got over having taste.)
Gentlemen, I have two bits of advice for you: 1) do not ever buy these for your wife or girlfriend. It could come back and bite you in the ass two-fold. She’ll love them or she’ll hate them. Either way, you’re screwed. 2) If your wife or girlfriend starts wearing these, it means she loves you so much, she feels completely comfortable around you. Comfortable enough to wear the least attractive thing ever designed. Sex has now been reserved for anniversaries and birthdays. Maybe Christmas if you remember to de-worm the dog and empty the trash.
I will say they are affordable and with that lovely wash n’ wear versatility of poly knit and kicky waltz length (for all that waltzing!), you would be remiss if you didn’t pick up every pattern. Especially that paisley one — that’s perfect for your next trip to the dollar store followed by the Early Bird liver n’ onions at Denny’s. Order now!
Moxie Design Studios™
When we were in college, my boyfriend and I went as reverse-gender old people for Halloween, one year. Along with his cheap wig powdered white with flour, and 48DD granny bra stuffed with giant water balloons, I’m pretty sure he wore Paisley 41.
4 for $42! What a deal!
from Houston • Cocktail: Mango Mojito
My kindergarten teacher, Miss (!!!) Johnson wore these every day. Along with a wig of curls, a la Annie but in a lovely shade of Crayola Grey. She was the evil incarnation of Mother Goose. She looked all matronly but inside her resided the spawn of Satan who was angry at having to wear such outfits.
(I like the oh-so-flattering bras that give you WWII bomber boobs.)
from Houston • Cocktail: Mango Mojito
And also--you can find those in a lovely town called Franklin, Ohio.
from West Palm Beach, FL • Cocktail: Champagne Bellini
LOL. The paisley pattern is quite fetching. If there is a market for these (and I guess there is if they can afford to run ads in the Sunday paper), what the hell is wrong with SOLID COLORS?
“kicky waltz length”. Yes I’m sure Ida Mae is waltzing in her mumu.
from Virginia Beach, VA • Cocktail: Calypso Cooler
Look how happy the young model looks in the picture. I am sorry, but that is one modeling job I would have to turn down...well that and the monistat one.
If this thing were made out of super soft fleece I would totally wear it as a nightgown. It would be a step up from the nightshirts I have right now. I actually don’t even know how some of them are still holding together.
My mother wears these. Although, she only recently started wearing them away from home, she has been wearing them my entire life (that I can recall). We make fun of her, but she doesn’t care. She says she comfortable. Her younger sister wears them too, and those caftan things (which are worse), so they got their older sister into wearing this crap, and now it’s all mumu, all the time. Hopefully this ugly trend will pass over me.
from Las Vegas, NV USA
These remind me of my husband’s aunt and grandmother, and they are well over fifty years old. LOL
Sure, you all laugh, but all it takes is for Paris Hilton (or one of the other approved skanks) to get a hold of one, cut the bottom off so it’s pussy level, and wear it out clubbing for one night. Then every girl with a myspace page will want one.
Hey, if Martha can bring the poncho back just by wearing it coming out of prison, I don’t see why Paris couldn’t do the same with these.
from Virginia
My mother wore these and called them “housecoats.” She wore them at home or at the neighbors’ houses, but never out in public. Lucky us.
Now we know where all the straight designers work. Anthony Richards also makes these:
http://www.amerimark.com/cgi-bin/amerimark/cate_id/appllwcbl/item_browse.html
I bet all these models were actually modeling something else, like a bikini, and the god-awful stuff was paper-dolled on top.
And when did polyester knit become “silky”?!? I guess you’re not a woman until you hit size 16. Now I have something new for casual Fridays! Whoo hoo!
I’m with Mikey on this. It’s one skank wearing it away from being all the rage. And fellas? It’s called “easy access”. That is, if you can even get it up for a girl wearing something that so reminds you of your grandmother.
from Mouseville™ • Cocktail: Amaretto Sour
Personally I’m holding out for the elastic-waistband “never needs ironed” 2/$24 slacks collection they’ll feature next Sunday…
OMG, they’re like wearable bad wallpaper.
from Overland Park, KS
My grandma used to wear those around her mobile home.
She was a lunch lady.
‘Nuf said, I think…
from Pennsyltucky
My mom is a lunch lady and wouldn’t be caught DEAD in one of those things. Sweet Moses. Who comes up with this stuff?
from Midwest
I live not far from Franklin, OH. Sadly, Ms. Pants is correct.
My grandmother wore housecoats, but they were never as bad as these. If I ever see someone in the supermarket wearing one of these when I go at god-thirty, I think I will run out of the store screaming
from Maryland
I think we’re all overlooking the populations of Arkansas and Mississippi in which these would be a smash hit! If the poly doesn’t meld to their skin from the summer heat, then the breezy cut should prove to be quite comfortable. Disfiguringly ugly, but still comfortable.