Like They Do on the Discovery Channel
Joelle said at some point on February 21, 2008
GFI and I have acquired a new regular at Casa Cocktail (that’s my building — I just decided it needed a name for reference purposes). Well, we haven’t — Slick has. He’s got a new girlfriend. This while the seat on his old girlfriend’s bike that lives on the landing is still warm. But whatever, I’m not here to judge him on his relationship decisions. I’m here to mock his new girlfriend. Duh.
Let me give you a basic schematic of our building. If you’re looking at it from the front, I’m on the bottom right, GFI’s on top of me, Slick is to her left and downstairs from him, Nurse New York. So, we share walls, specifically that one main wall and ceiling/floor where all of our apartments connect. On our side of the wall, GFI and I have our bathrooms. On the other side? Slick and NNY have their respective bedrooms. You can see where this is going. Oh yeah.
Now, we never hear a peep from NNY. Once in a while I’ll hear her on the phone in her room, but usually she’s off being busy and nursey. However, Slick and his new girlfriend get downright National Geographic up in here! National. Geographic. It’s insane. GFI and I have dubbed her Project X because when she and Slick go at it, it sounds like caged chimps. Forty caged chimps.
One night on the terrace, GFI tells me that she had to brush her teeth in the kitchen because the thought that a mere 2-foot wall and a medicine cabinet was all that separated her from Slick’s grunting body was just too much to bear. Then, the next night, I could hear them going at it from the living room. When I went into the bathroom, it was like they were humping at the Hollywood Bowl it was so loud.
[insert chimp screams here]
I think last week, mikey came by and he came out of the bathroom saying, “Dude. You can hear your neighbor and his girlfriend going at it.” Oh yes, I’m aware. They seem to have no concept of time, which is fine. It’s monkeys in the morning, monkeys in the night, monkeys in the afternoon. (And yes, I know chimps aren’t monkeys.) Hey, I’m all for sex at any time of day. Spontaneity is fabulous… don’t get me wrong, but I try to keep in mind that perhaps the entire neighborhood doesn’t want to hear the result of “my O face”, as it were. And from what I understand, I also don’t sound like a B-grade Matthew Broderick movie.
It really doesn’t bother me all that much… I think it’s pretty funny, actually. Especially now that we have a good name for her. It makes it all that much more entertaining, but I know it’s bugging GFI. Their monkey love woke her from a dead sleep the other night… that’s no good. So I think next time we’re all out on the terrace, I’m going to warmly rib him about this new girlfriend and suggest that he move his bed to the opposite wall. Hint, hint. Nudge. Nudge.
Now, props to Slick. He’s either really good (which is just not something I wish to consider) or she’s been watching too much porn and needs to refine her faking technique, but either way, let a girl wash her face in peace, would ya? Sheesh!
Moxie Design Studios™
from Project X, USA
Preach it, sister-girlfriend *waves white hanky in the air* Dude. The first time was just unsettling--hence brushing teeth in kitchen. I thought someone was in trouble outside, being attacked...but when I realized the noise was centralized about a foot from my face...it was alarming. Dirty! Sucio! Bleeeechhhy! Nasty. Over the past few weeks, I believe I’ve become acustom to their daily/nightly nasty-dance. I just shut my bathroom door and wax my lip in the kitchen. Slick’s getting some action--that’s nice. Even though she is a monkey...a monkey that sounds like their being tortured and trying fiercely to get out of their cage…
Now, as of today...I feel as though Project X is just a part of our everyday existence. In the morning, while doing my morning bathroom things...I shrug my shoulders while looking in the mirror facing their party room and give a quick, “hey"-like nod. I guess they’re just livin’ the dream, you know?
(LOVE the depiction of our Casa Cocktail in the post--EXTREMELY REALISTIC)
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@GFI: “I just shut my bathroom door and wax my lip in the kitchen. “
I seriously just hurt something laughing. hahaha!
from West Palm Beach, FL • Cocktail: Champagne Bellini
Maybe she’s a real zoologist and ran out of space at the lab so she’s storing the horny chimps at Slick’s place.
Yeah, that’s it!
OR, Maybe they drilled a spy hole in GFI’s bathroom ... *spies*
Oh, that is just too hilariaous; Project X and Matthew Broderick references. I’m just laughing my ass off!!!
from Pasadena, CA
You poor gals. Thank you for not recording their monkey sex sounds and posting them along with this charming tale.
from san diego • Cocktail: margarita
i love the graphic. LOL. I have had the bathroom sound effects issue before too, so i know that you do just brush your teeth in the kitchen sometimes…
Mr. Geeky and I have had a few occasions in our apartment where we’ve looked at each other and said, “Is that… Are they...? Oh. Yeah. Ew.” Lucky for us, it’s never been THAT bad. But, the last guy that lived above us peed on my car when we pissed him off. Beat that!
from Seattle
Can we please get some audio samples up in here?
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@geeky: I can’t top that. lol.
from York, PA
Am I the only one here that has “Jungle Love” by the Steve Miller Band playing in my head after reading that?
Jungle love...is driving me mad...drivin’ me craaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzyyyyy!!!
from Chicago, IL
Can’t wait to hear about the confrontation!
from Olympia, WA
Oh my that is hilarious! I thought I had the funny of the day earlier, this is pretty hilarious! I’ll have to find out what happens in the future. :D
Play Barry White or some shit, real loud, next time they’re doing it. Like, I’m all for people fucking too, but if it sounds like caged chimps? FOURTY caged chimps? Yeah, time to invest in a ball gag. OOH! A gift for Slick and Project X!!!
from Virginia Beach, VA • Cocktail: Calypso Cooler
Okay - I am ALLL for the Barry White idea. You need to blare it EVERYTIME - no matter what time. HAHAHA!!!
The graphic MADE the story!!!
Barry White, nothin’! Blare some Celine Dion… if they can keep going thru “My Heart Will Go On,” then damn, nothing will be able to stop them.
OK Brian, when you mentioned the “Jungle Love” thing, Morris Day and the Time popped into my head (oh wee oh wee oooh!) thanks
Joelle, the schematic is hysterical. and if Celine Dion doesn’t calm things down, you may want to play a tape of crying babies - I think putting the baby idea in Slick’s head while he’s going at it may take some of the wind out of his sails, so to speak.
Or you could send him a copy of “Planet of the Apes”, though he may regard it as soft porn.
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
Or you could send him a copy of “Planet of the Apes”, though he may regard it as soft porn.
hahahaha!
from Northern NY • Cocktail: Harvey Wallbanger
Omg - not only was your story hilarious but the comments are killin’ me! And the photo - from the original Planet of the Apes? Brilliant! LOL