Let Your Fingers Do the Talking
Joelle said in the early morning on June 4, 2007
I hate the phone. No, really, I hate to talk on the phone. Ask just about anyone — talked to me on the phone lately? Was it more than 5 minutes? You must have won the lottery this month.
Of course, for business I absolutely will talk on the phone. It’s a necessity, in fact. I like my clients to hear my voice, connect with me and feel comfortable. Those sorts of phone calls are fine because they have a beginning, an end and a purpose. But, when it comes to social calls? Feh. With so much going on these days, there’s nothing that bugs me more than someone calling just to “hang out” on the phone.
I’m not sure when this started. I used to be Super Phone Girl™, especially when I lived in Texas. It stands to reason it was because I lived far away and needed the connection. Yet now, I’d really just prefer an email. My work day begins at 6:30am and often doesn’t end until 8pm or 9pm at night — sometimes later. It’s just how it is when you are in the first five years of a self-run business… sometimes beyond. Such is life.
Unfortunately, one of my oldest, very dear friends refuses to hear me when I ask for him not to call me during my work day. I must have asked three or four times for him not to call me at 7am because I’m not only not awake yet, I’m trying to get my bearings for the workday. I’m responding to email during that time, why don’t you send me one of those?, I’d say. But inevitably, the phone would ring again and again and again. Eventually, I stopped answering it. I started responding with texts suggesting that the best way to reach me is via email, but an email never came and the phone calls graduated to mid-day.
Once in a while, I’d answer, but then we’d just sit there. There was no specific reason for the call — just to chat, catch up and so forth. I love to chat and catch up, but could we do it over lunch or a drink some night? Do we have to do it on the phone? The argument is I’m always busy and they can’t get me on the phone in order to make plans. Well, then send me an email and I’ll schedule it!
Last night, my phone rang at 10pm. Now, call me Grandma Moses, but in my family growing up, you just don’t call people past 9pm. I do realize that it’s 2007 and times have changed, but when you know I get up for work at 6am, why are you calling me at 10pm at night? And to that end, why are you not respecting my wishes? Why? I feel as though he is not hearing me, that his convenience is more important than my meager request to send me an email instead of calling.
This leads me to feel guilt because I love my friends so much, especially this one. He’s like a brother to me, but it’s not 1998 anymore and I have things to do. It’s just not the old days. Before I moved to Texas in 1999, this friend and I were joined at the hip. I’d get home from working for The Man at 5:30pm, he’d call and we’d go out to karaoke or go to dinner almost 5 nights a week. Then I moved to Texas, he moved to another country and I rarely spoke to him for almost 4 years. Once in a great while he’d send me an email and I think he called me once. This was fine with me! I understood he was half a world away and had his own things he needed to do. Time did not stop while he was away.
When you get older, friendships are harder to maintain. They do take work — I won’t deny that, but it’s just not like post-college, Reality Bites, skanking-in-the-quickie-mart-to-My-Sherona days of yore. It’s just not. Everyone has careers and relationships and some even have kids and pets and a billion other things they’re trying to do. I know my friends are my friends without having to call them on the phone to confirm it. Hell, I think Kathy and I talk on the phone less than 5 times a year and she’s the ying to my yang. I am closer to her than anyone.
I feel insensitive, as though by not answering my phone I’m being a bad friend. And if we got on the phone and there was something specific he wanted to talk about, if he needed me, if he said, “I really need to talk / a friend / you right now”, I would drop everything and be there for him. I might not be so frustrated. But don’t just call me up and sit there. Time is money, dude. It’s a hideous callous phrase, but when your workday is scheduled to the hilt, it’s just how it goes. Furthermore, don’t leave me a voicemail saying “call me back” either. Tell me what it is you want so I can be prepared when I call you back. If you’re just calling to chat, then say that!
Is it just me? Do you find that you talk to your friends on the phone less than you did when you were younger? Do you find that certain people in your life refuse to acknowledge that your relationships have evolved (or de-evolved as the case may be)? Do you feel talking on the phone less has made a difference in your relationships or has it just been survival of the fittest?
Moxie Design Studios™
from Michigan
I am SO with you! I don’t know what happened to me, but now, I hate the phone. I rarely answer it, even if I have the time. I dread having a list of people to call back. I would MUCH rather have emails sitting in my inbox and I can respond to those whenever I get a chance, even if that is late at night.
I also hate even having to call the doctor or anything of the sort. Its just not my thing.
from Northern NY • Cocktail: Harvey Wallbanger
I can totally relate. I have a long time friend who does this too - he calls when he’s playing a video game or watching TV so the whole phone call is 96% silence. It’s ridiculous because I don’t have time for that (but he, clearly, does).
I don’t talk on the phone much anymore - I prefer email. I don’t even like using chat programs anymore because my friends act like it’s a phone conversation… they expect you to hang on their every word and if you let a minute (or 5) go by they freak - “Where are you? Are you there? How come you aren’t listening to me?!” I want to tell them that the whole point of IM is to make a connection but still enable me to do my work.
Oh, I hear you! I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I don’t know that it has anything to do with getting older though - I’ve always hated the phone. I don’t even like calling to order a pizza! Luckily most of my friends are tech savvy and get that I prefer emails or IMs to phone calls. When I called my best friend to tell her I got engaged, she said she knew I was either calling about that or that someone died, because I wouldn’t be calling her otherwise! hehe.
But my little brother more than makes up for my friends with all the pointless phone calls. That boy LOVES talking on the phone. Even if he calls and I say “Now isn’t a good time,” he keeps talking!
PS. Welcome back to blogging
Hey Joelle...welcome back! I feel the same about the phone...I really don’t like talking on it. I think, for me, it is because I spend almost all my time during the day on the phone, so the phone often feels like work. Send me an email, send me a text message...but the phone, ick.
from Escanaba, MI • Cocktail: Fabulous-Tini
I don’t mind the phone so much. I prefer IM, text, or email but I can sit & BS on the phone for an hour or so still. However, there are a couple friends of mine that don’t have a computer (I KNOW!) so phone is the only way we can keep up… and sometime texts can make a short conversation way too long.
from SD CA (this week) • Cocktail: Red Headed Slut
dude, he was at lamp after morrissey. and i considered texting you but i knew it was too late for you to head out.
but we’re still on for tonight, yes?
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@kit-kat: yeah, I do have friends I can just chat with. My friend Heika, for example. We try to get on the phone a couple times a month at least to catch up because shes lives in Texas. Or kathy and I will get on voice-over IP and chat for the book or something — it’s tough to do that online because my brain goes faster than my fingers. But in general, I don’t like to just lolly-gag around on the phone.
@shelley: Thanks for the welcome!
@geeky: thanks, darlin’! It’s good to be back.
@DJ: I have the same beef about IM. I don’t care if people have to step away or whatever, though I do prefer if someone changes their online status to “away” or log-off or “shut up, woman!” so I’m not just talking out of my ass.
But most of the time, I realize that people are at work, as am I, so a continuous stream of IM conversation isn’t necessary. That’s the beauty of IM!
@Tina: I hate calling the doctor, too. Or worse than that? PHONE TREES. omg, don’t even get me started on phone trees...especially the voice activate ones.
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@chickrawker: yeah, we are on tonight. I need a cocktail STAT! That must have been why he called me!! I thought he was just calling to chat. See, if he’d have texted me, I’d have known what was up.
from bremen, germany • Cocktail: gin & tonic
actually for me it’s the other way around. i love staying in touch with my friend over there phone. especially the ones that don’t live in my hometown or even on the same continent. i type a lot at work all day so i really can’t be bothered typing a long “so what’s up with you” - answering kind of mail. i’d be the annoying caller here… although i have to say that i absolutely respect when someone tells me it doesn’t work for them when i call at a certain time. i have to, too because 90% of my girlfriends are either pregnant or “with tiny baby” ...
from bremen, germany • Cocktail: gin & tonic
woah, see the typos in the first sentence already? i REALLY don’t like typing too much…
from Overland Park, KS
I’m all for the texting. I have friend that calls me now and then (less now than she used to, since I finally told her I really hated talking on the phone...) and wants to “catch up” but she just has soooo much to tell me on those calls, and no matter how many times I try to end them, she finds another thing to talk about.
Talking for an hour and a half on the phone is just not necessary. You got that much to say to me, lets get together for a drink and hang out for a bit. Sheesh!
The only person I talk to daily for longer than 5 minutes at a time is the Twin. She and I can talk about nothing for a while, and I never get tired of it. But she’s my *twin* so that kinda makes sense.
Hate the phone otherwise. Hate hate.
Like you, I’m not much of a phone person. With people that I deal with on a regular basis, five minute phone calls are the norm, usually to schedule time to get together. However, with one particular friend I’m having the opposite problem. She never calls. Doesn’t email. Doesn’t IM. All this while still calling me her best friend. It’s not as if I want a call every hour on the hour, but some kind of communication would be good. I’ve talked to her about this and she always apologizes and promises she’ll be better about it but at this point I’m ready to just call it a day. If her idea of friendship is one email/call every four months, then so be it. But I’m tired of getting the mixed messages. Love her, but I’m ready to move on. How’s that for callous?
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@patricia: SO not callous. I understand that. I am the same as you — a phone call now and then is the norm. But to just pretend like you don’t exist unless it’s convenient for them? I had a friend like that, too. I finally had to cut them off. :( I hope it works out!
from Home
I can also relate. Problem here is that I may be “internet savvy” but no one else around here is. They don’t take their email serious.
Embrace your email, darlings!!! I have my email up constantly.
Cocktail: Cosmo - with LIME
I never mind catching up with a good friend over the phone, but there are limits. The long conversations that go no where - just because they have time to kill.
What begins to irritate me sometimes is texting. A text is nice - but not an hour of texts. That’s irritating as shit…
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@Adventuress: totally! GFI (my friend and upstairs neighbor) and I have a ‘thing where we know when we’re done. It’s just understood that if we don’t reply, it’s because we’ve said what we need to say or we just should go outside and talk in person or we’re just busy. Tha’ts nice. I don’t want to have a whole conversation over text if i can help it. And neither of us take it personally if we don’t respond right away. Refreshing!
@peggy: What’s funny about my friend is he is tech savvy. I’m not sure why he refuses to email me. hehe. But I can understand people not being “on the up” with tech stuff. but c’mon. it’s 2007. Email has been around for a looooong time. people need to get with the program. lol.
from Newport, KY (Cincinnati)
I’m with you 100%. I’m on the phone all day at my job and by the time I get home, I do not want to talk on the phone with anyone about anything. I hate it so much that I have my fiance call my own mother. None of this is because I don’t want to talk to people - but rather because I know I will have to sit there and listen to what my mom is watching on tv or my dad’s conversation with whoever is sitting on the couch. Maybe I’m just crabby, but it’s annoying. I also have the friends that call me constantly and then say, “But my other friends call me back!” To that I say, “Great! Call them! Just send me an email.” Say what you need to say, people, so I can do what I need to do!
If he doesn’t start respecting the schedule, your annoyance, evident by this, could grow to be the wedge that finally separates your friendship. You’re totally not being rude in not answering. Your phone, your rules.
If he’s that persistent, perhaps his need to speak to you is greater than your description of the situation illustrated? Just a thought I had while reading.
I used to be crazy phone girl, once upon a time.
I think I’ve scaled back to a healthy amount of calls now.
Depending on the type of call, I prefer hearing a voice of a friend. It just sucks that it takes so much time to make 5 phone calls to your friends with the same message you could type out and send once in an email.
from bremen, germany • Cocktail: gin & tonic
gravatar is working again
I very much HATE the telephone. My telephone habits changed when I started college because I worked full-time and went to school full-time. At my first job after college, I was responsible for the company telephone system and that’s when I came to really hate telephones.
Now, I’m usually only on the telephone for business. I work 70+ hours each week and have no interest in chatting when I’m not working.
And yes it has effected my relationships. Am I going to change? Very unlikely.
I have not answered my telephone many a time. I disagree about the time though. I think it is still rude to call someone after 9:00 p.m. unless there is an emergency.
I agree about leaving a detailed messange and would add that one should always leave a telephone number. A person’s memory/speed dial might fail on any given day.
from Pullman, WA
I am a self-proclaimed phone hater. I’m even 23, and have grown up in the phone era. But I can’t stand it. It has even caused riffs with me and my family. My mom talks to her relatives like every fucking day, and I cant understand it. I much better enjoy IMs or emails, I don’t know what it is.
I hate the phone. HATE IT. You and I are very similar that way. I cannot stand to be on the phone for an extended period of time with anyone, even my husband. When he was deployed, for chrissake, if it got to the point that we were just SITTING on the phone, I suddenly turned into Mrs. “okaywellhoneyi’mgonnaletyougo.”
I think my distaste for the phone comes from the huge, huge factor that it is a multi-tasker. A uni-tasker. I cannot DO anything else, when I am on the phone. I am obligated to that phone, I must be there, on the phone, talking, and listening, and you know, not typing or IM’ing or eating or drinking or driving or pooping or anything else.
But if I am in front of my computer, suddenly I become superwoman (as another work at home start-up business) and can do like, 12 things at once.
from Michigan
We will not discuss phone trees! You are SO right about that one. Ugh.
I also hate when certain places won’t let you do things over email or even over the phone. Like, my bank won’t allow me to change my address over email. I have to actually GO to the bank! What? I never step foot in there anymore. They have my online account so secure, that I should be able to do it!
from Mouseville™ • Cocktail: Amaretto Sour
I don’t text at all, rarely e-mail, and talk on the phone even less. Hmmm, maybe that’s why I hardly talk to my friends anymore?
I hate the phone. Most people here hate the phone.
So, who are these people walking around all day with phones clamped to their ears? And who are they talking to? Presumably, not any of us....
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@Rosco: most certainly not!
@robyn: I remember when you used to answer every single email. I used to, too. Ah, remember those days? *sighs wistfully*
from Chicago
My mother in law calls my wife incessantly, for no good reason. I love her, but it still bothers me. I can relate to the fact that people take time away that you just cant get back.
When it comes to old friends though, those calls from way back when, the My Sherona days are pretty well tops. Before you know it, middle agedom creeps.
33-43 happens just as fast as it took to go from My Sherona, 1998, which really wasnt that long ago. Or was it?