Land of the Free, Home of the Really Big Ass
Joelle said in the early morning on September 20, 2007
Have you seen this new marketing push by Domino’s Pizza? Oreo Dessert Pizza. Dessert Pizza. Now, I realize that dessert pizza isn’t all that new. But seriously, people are paying for that? And eating it? And liking it?
I cannot believe this is a draw for people. You can make it at home in five easy steps.
1. Buy bag of Oreos.
2. Smash with hammer.
3. Dump onto round plate.
4. Eat pitifully in private while crying over re-runs of 7th Heaven
5. Check your insulin levels.
WHY DOES THIS PRODUCT EVEN EXIST? Who thought of this? Who? Imagine… you and your family have just gorged yourself on 2 large all-meat pizzas, a 2-liter of soda, some hot wings, breadsticks (and let’s not forget the dipping sauces!) and now you want to top it off with an Oreo Dessert Pizza? You may as well eat Crisco right out of the jar! Or hell, just walk around with an IV drip of partially hydrogenated oil. Just cut to the chase.
I take issue with Domino’s for other reasons, mostly political and social, but while the commercial was really funny ("It’ll fill in, give it time..."), the product is just sad. Where is the food in our food? Doesn’t anyone make food anymore? I can’t believe this is a selling point. Your crappy pizza isn’t enough to get people to order from you, you have to add insult to injury by adding a completely unimaginative, bottom-of-the-barrel attempt at “dessert”.
Don’t get me wrong. I like an Oreo once in a while. It’s an American institution! But a whole pizza? On top of everything else? And really… can you call that dessert? Creme brulee is dessert, people. Tiramisu is dessert. Even a plain bowl of vanilla ice cream is dessert. Oreo Pizza is just crap. I don’t care how good you think it is. Eat the creme brulee! At least it has real ingredients in it you can pronounce.
And again, I’m no saint. I love occasional crap (hello, lattes!) just like anyone and I’m on my own mission to live a long life. We are the fattest country in the world and 70% of that is because of the food choices people make. I’m sick to death of people blaming the fast food restaurants for America’s health problems. It’s on you, dude. If you don’t order it, if you don’t demand it, if you don’t consume it… they won’t make it. It’s supply and demand, just like you learned in 12th grade Economics. It’s like everyone is in some kind of numbed, flavorless stupor where they’ve forgotten what delicious, fresh, and complex foods can taste like.
Congratulations, America. This is what we’ve been reduced to… smashed cookies on a plate. Bon appetit.
Moxie Design Studios™
from North Cackalackee
I’m waiting for the Lucky Charms dessert pizza, where it’s just a piza box filled with loose Lucky Charms and they give you one of those little school unch milk cartons to pour over it.
from Houston • Cocktail: Mango Mojito
Dude. Preach.
And again, WHY are we proud to smear oreo shit on our faces?
from The bottom of a bowl of homemade chili
Ah, but you see, Joelle, we live in the same country that made Kentucky Fried Chicken’s
SadnessFamous Bowl their number one selling product of all timefrom San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@Derek: Ah, Patton Oswalt. Gotta love him. Yes, and KFC took out all the trans-fat so that means it’s healthy, right? RIGHT?!?!
from The bottom of a bowl of homemade chili
Failure pile, that was what I was looking for!
from Overland Park, KS
Wait, that KFC Bowl o’ Fat and Carbs became their #1-selling product of all time? Really? Holy Christ...that always looked absolutely disgusting to me when I saw the commercials. I don’t know how people can eat even half of it when they get it!
That looks nasty and its a dumb commercial too. btw, this post reminds me of when you used to run that other blog “put down the donut,” do you think you’ll ever bring it back? You really had a lot of good advice & tips.
from North Cackalackee
Those KFC bowls are awesome, but I can’t eat them anymore. All they needed was some Apple Cobbler or Banana Pudding at the bottom of the bowl so you could eat your way down into the dessert, and that would have made them even awesomer.
from LSMO
Well said! You sound an awful like Bob Green who was on Oprah this week! Supply and demand people - Supply and DEMAND!
The companies deserve a share of the blame though, for their aggressive marketing to children. It’s a cynical, decades-long attempt to inculcate “brand loyalty” in kids who will grow up and continue buying their crap, and pass their bad taste onto their own children, who will grow up and blah blah blah. This was discussed in both “Fast Food Nation” and “No Logo”.
Of course, their parents also derserve blame for giving in and feeding their kids junk because they don’t want to listen to their whining for Crappy Meals 24-7, and it’s certainly easier than cooking REAL FOOD.
I don’t get the whole “cheesy breadsticks with dipping sauces” thing these horrible pizza companies are pushing. IT’S JUST MORE PIZZA, in stick form!
from Northridge, CA
I was curious about this one too...lol.
I’m dying for someone I know to order one so I can a) practice my resuscitation techniques b) find out how good it it. lol
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@moxierain: PDTD returns January 2008. New look, new direction, same attitude.
yay glad to hear its not dead.
*heave*
from right here on my ass
You say Oreos, I still say it’s cat poo mixed with litter.
from Orlando • Cocktail: Sit-Down Straw-Rita
You had me at tiramisu… :D
from Florida Panhandle • Cocktail: Jello shots - Cherry + Vanilla Vodka (Yeah, I'm not very refined!)
The worst part is the thing isn’t even GOOD. Busting up Oreos on a plate would taste better, because the majority of the flavor of an Oreo is in the cream filling, which the ‘pizza’ appears to lack. The Oreo pieces arrive already stale as soon as the package is opened. The thing is utterly devoid of flavor… even the employees won’t eat it.
from Chattanooga, TN
I love me some Oreos and milk once in a while. Our local Dominoes was running a promo where you could get one for free with purchase so we tried it. It tastes like ass. Bleh!
Smashed Up Cookies On A Plate would be the #1 best selling desert in the future world of Idiocracy.
“Eat these smashed up cookies on a plate. And if you don’t like it, well fuck you.”
from California
Check out 14’s treatment of the same topic, at Gallery of the Absurd. Hilarious. http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/14/2007/09/which-is-real-2.html