I Call You Bitch Like It’s a Bad Thing
Joelle said at some point on November 15, 2007
In the last 15 years or so, it seems the word ”bitch” has been “taken back by women”, supposedly transforming it from a degradation to some sort of exaltation. Even the reclaiming took its own journey, from corporate late-80’s ball-busting man-hater to a metaphor for the empowered, sexually-confident, self-aware 90’s woman to… well, back to bitch again.
I am not a bitch, contrary I’m sure, to some opinion. But, I’m just not. Sometimes I feel “bitchy”, sometime I “bitch and moan”, but that doesn’t make me one. I’m not offended by the word bitch from a militant “my womb is the gift to the Earth, you misogynist! Smell my patchouli!” standpoint. In fact, I’m not offended at all. I’m disappointed, I guess, by the idea that any woman still wants to be considered a bitch. Why? Even “taking it back” hasn’t done that much for the connotation and often I feel as though it’s a crutch, a defense mechanism so that one doesn’t have to be vulnerable. Well, I guess that’s first-year Psych, isn’t it?
I feel as though “bitch” has made a shift with the on-set of the Internet, where you’re safely tucked behind a keyboard. You can say whatever you want and just blow it off as “being a bitch”. After all, your blog is called “KumquatCocktailBitch.com” (do you know how hard it was to come up with a URL that didn’t exist? I don’t want to anyone to think I’m talking about them.) It just seems like an excuse to be mean in order to make yourself look cool and I don’t really get that.
What’s more, much like high school or the movie Mean Girls, bitch has started to take on a level of worship that I really don’t get. If someone proclaims themselves “bitch” (and exercises that title by actually being one) there is almost always a band of willing participants to do her bidding, despite what they may really feel about whatever the issue at hand is.
Now, of course I’m not saying that everyone with a screen name or a blog that uses the word bitch is insecure or mean or a follower, so don’t get your biscuits a-sizzle. It’s just something I’ve been noticing, not just on blogs, but in life, in television, in the media, etc. I don’t ever want to be considered a bitch like it’s a good thing (or a bad thing, but that’s on me). I don’t care how old fashioned or antiquated or “oppressive” (as I read somewhere once) it is to be considered a “lady”, I’m proud of that. That’s how I was raised and while I may drop the occasional F-bomb or penis joke, I still think I’m a pretty decent person who doesn’t go out of their way to be mean to someone. (And come on, a true lady knows when it’s the appropriate time for a penis joke!)
Of course, pretending like I’ve never said anything untoward about someone would be blowing more sunshine than your bum could hold. I can think of a few circumstances that I truly regret, but those aberrations don’t define who I am.
You can have attitude and sarcasm and humor and all that stuff without stepping over the line, it’s all in the timing and how you really feel about yourself. So when you’re thinking of a domain name and you want it to say “cool, confident, relaxed, sassy, brave, witty, attitude-slingin’ woman”, bust out the thesaurus. There are so many other options.
Totally Pointless Disclaimer: This is my personal opinion on the word “bitch”. This doesn’t mean I don’t like you anymore or didn’t like you to begin with. I’m not talking about you. Or you. Or you or you over there or your friend or your favorite blog or you in the back. Thanks. 
Moxie Design Studios™
from Canada
I was thinking about this very thing last night in bed while waiting to drift off. I have become keenly aware lately that I have been a raging hormonally challeged bitch online lately, and most of the comments I have left at my normal blog stops are now bugging me. I’m embarrassed by how uncouth and mean and vile I have become, but at the time it was ok to leave them because I put a disclaminer on the comments at the end that read something like, “But I’m a bitch like that.”
That’s not okay with me anymore. I’m ashamed of bitchy bread crumbs I have left all of the interweeb, all leading back to me of course, and I don’t think anyone will stop to get to know the real me anymore after reading any one of those comments.
How sad is that?
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@Stacerella: I think it’s so awesome that you just said that! That’s not an easy thing to accept and to have the confidence to admit where you’ve erred is so inspiring. Thank you for saying that. *applause*
It’s not sad at all! That makes me want to get the know the real you.
from West Palm Beach, FL • Cocktail: Champagne Bellini
I want to read Stacerella’s blog now just on the basis of her comment. And then peed myself over “biscuits a-sizzle”.
from Canada
Biscuit-sizzle |OFF|
Maybe they went and joined up at heartless-bitches.com?
I’m too old to squander energy with fools who have no sense of boundaries.
If that makes me a bitch, I can live with that.
I’m mostly a rather diplomatic bitch however.
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@witchypoo: see, that’s the thing. i don’t think that makes you a bitch. That makes you an adult. lol.
from U.S.
well said bitch. jk. I sort of feel the same way about it. I joke around with girl friends and we call each other “bitch” and no one is offended, but mostly I think its reserved to someone who goes out of her way to hurt people.
I had a “friend” like that once. She used to do horrible things to everyone like steal their bfs or hit on them. She was also very catty and also said nasty things, anyway I learned my lesson and quit being friends with her. She is a classic example of a bitch.
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@moxierain: there are certain circumstances, when it’s playful, among friends,when I don’t have a problem with it. But it’s the classic example you gave that makes the word ‘bitch’ leave a bad taste in my mouth overall.
I don’t have a problem with my friends calling me bitch in the playful sense. To me, in that context, it’s no worse than “geek” or “dork,” really. One night, however, I was at the bar playing dominoes with the bartender and another couple I’d known for only a couple of weeks (and strictly through the bar), and when I lost she was all, “It’s your round, bitch!”
I dropped my grin, gave her a blank stare and responded, “Don’t think for a second we’re good enough friends that you can call me bitch.” That shut her right the hell up.
from Small Town, USA
Interesting… I think I’ve only been called a bitch a handful of times. Mostly by unreasonably enraged males who don’t know how to make themselves feel better so they call you the most belittling term they can think of at the moment.
Once was in high school and I can’t remember the exact circumstance. More recently was from a middle-aged man driving his monster truck pulling a giant fishing boat of some kind. I needed to get in the left lane to make a left hand turn - I’m headed for Target… outta my way! We were stopped at the stop light. He had cars lined up behind him. I had cars lined up behind me. My only option was to accelerate to the point where I could get in front of him to weave over to the turn lane a couple blocks ahead. We had plenty of room. Evidently he didn’t want to be passed, so he kept speeding up to the point where I had to accelerate and force my way over two lanes to make the turn. As he drove by, he leaned out the window and yelled, “Bitch!” I could have cared less except for the fact my two boys were staring at him from their carseats in the back. Now aren’t you glad you know that about me? I’m an aggressive bitch driver. Ha.
Anywayz… the only other times are when I refer to myself in the third person as a bitch. Usually I’m sarcastically explaining away (as Stacerella so helpfully pointed out) my rage when fighting with my husband. “I know… I know… I’m such a bitch.” To his credit, he has NEVER called me a bitch or insinuated I was one. In fact, he normally steers clear when I take our conversation on this turn during a fight.
On another somewhat related note, I hate it that whenever I’m disagreeable about something, it’s often written off as hormones. I’ll admit… sometimes it’s related. But then… sometimes it’s not. And just because I’m hormonal and less tolerant, does that invalidate my feelings? Gah.
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
For me it’s not really about being called a bitch, it’s more about labeling ones self a bitch for the sake of coolness or as a disclaimer.
Cocktail: Fuzzy Navel (I am such a pansy)
I just have never been into that word. I was raised understanding that it was a bad word, and extremely disrespectful. I never quite saw the cool factor in it. Seems like with all the bubble-gum-yet-skanky pop princesses in music these days it has just accelerated it even more.
from Finland
I’m the worlds biggest bitch. TOWARDS MYSELF! But I don’t really think that’s what you meant.. I was a member of bitchfest.co.uk for a while a couple of years back, but honestly it got so BORING being bitchy, and you can’t really tell your fellow bitches that, and I realized I’m just not all that comfortable being one, so I upped and left (I don’t think they minded one bit though, heh). That isn’t to say I don’t bitch a lot though, but that is again different from BEING a bitch, yeah?
It wasn’t all that long ago that a band of self proclaimed bitches were trolling around the “blogosphere”. I think you know them all too well, as a matter of fact. Either I just don’t happen by them anymore, or they’re also realizing that being a bitch.. is not all that cool.
Also, I never really got to the bottom of it.. Is being a self proclaimed bitch self indulgence, or a sign of low impulse control? Does anyone really want to be a bitch, for the sake of being one, or can they just not help themselves?
Blah de blah, sorry for making an entire POST in your comments…
from Northern NY • Cocktail: Harvey Wallbanger
I never really thought about the word bitch at all until a male “friend” used it, in jest, on one of my flickr photos. I was really taken aback… I guess it’s kinda like the “n word” to me - only certain people are allowed to use the word “bitch” under certain circumstances and that does not, in any way, include someone of the male persuasion.
OMG, you’re totally talking about me, aren’t you!?
Kidding. I can kinda see the appeal in wanting to be labeled a “bitch”, in the sense that it’s the opposite of being lady-like. Nothing makes me want to give someone the finger more than being told that something I did or said was “not very lady-like”. I guess it’s because of the connotation of being a proper 50s housewife, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and I’ve always railed against that ideal. That being said, being mean and nasty to other people for no reason is not something to be proud of in my book.
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@geeky: I can see where someone saying something you did isn’t “very lady-like” would make you want to kick them in the head, but… while I rally against all the oppressive stereotypes that “being lady-like” entails, I still cling to some of those values, the manners, etc. It’s just how I was raised.
I’m no Bree Hodge (for those of you who watch Desperate Housewives), far from it, but I literally enjoy some of the retro aspects of being a lady… mostly because so many people today seem to have abandoned any semblance of human decency and courtesy anymore. 
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@Gry: I can’t imagine the trolling band of bitches of which you speak. :rolleyes: Ok, we both know that’s not true. haha! Thank you for defecting. The air is cleaner.
@Liv: Yeah, I just don’t get it. Where’s the appeal?
@DJ: My girlfriends usually know when it’s ok to call me a bitch… playfully (and even then, they know how I feel about it, so they usually opt for something else… like ‘asshole’. haha!
And men… it really depends with me. I can jump into a rousing game of “bitch” with a table of gay men ten minutes after meeting them. I think it’ all perception. If it’s with friends, in a friendly manner and it’s not something I’m walking around titling myself like I’m hot to trot, then I’m ok with it. But I totally understand where you’re coming from.
I see my main point got lost somewhere in my stream of consciousness ramble up there. Sorry for both - the lost main point AND the ramble. To clarify, I just found it interesting to reflect and note I had been called a bitch much less than I had made self-references with that label. And I really didn’t mean to come across as Ms. Goody Two Shoes. Apologies if I did.
from Texas
I feel the same way about whore. If I hear one more person refer to themselves as a “*insert shoe, coffee, etc. here* whore” I’m gonna smack a bitch up. Well, coke whore is exempt, but they generally don’t refer to themselves as that…
from San Diego, CA • Cocktail: slightly dirty Grey Goose martini
@lani: you didn’t come off like a goody two-shoes. And so what if you did? There are worse things in this world. There’s nothing to apologize for.