What I don’t love is the “new” Target store brand, up & up™.  Target Home products, their former store brand, used to be so good. I could buy any Target knock-off of the fancy brand and know, quite certainly, that it would be just as good.  Since they re-branded their store brand to up & up™, everything’s gone down & down.

Take, for instance, the toilet paper — I used to buy the blue label Target Home brand premium paper, compared to Quilted Northern Ultra.  Not the pink one, compared to Charmin Might-As-Well-Be-a-Towel Ultra Premium, just your garden-variety mid-range bathroom tissue.  It was totally the same as the name-brand, as advertised.  I bought the same brand for years… and a lot of it. Not because I have some weird bathroom habits or I’m a hoarder, but because I have a very staunch 6-roll minimum rule in my house.  At 6 rolls I have to start reminding myself to buy more — if I go below 6 rolls, I’m down to the last square on the roll before I remember to get more.

Sometime, last year I think, they changed to up & up™ and when it came time to buy Ye Old Faithful TP, it was replaced by what I assumed would be the same product in a different wrapper — more like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  This paper is a mere suggestion of what it once was.  It still says “Compare to Quilted Northern Ultra”, but it was like they took one-ply paper, peeled it apart and called it two-ply.  It was like half-ply. I wouldn’t TP a house in this paper, let alone my business.  After enduring it for a full 12-pack, I grudgingly bought yet another 6-pack because it was that or Scott Tissue and sandpaper ain’t my thing.

The next time, I bought the actual Quilted Northern Ultra and found it to be the toilet paper I knew and loved. I just have to get over paying a little more for it. But, in my opinion, I’d rather pay a little more for a quality product.  I believe ‘generic’ store brands can be awesome — take Costco’s Kirkland brand, for instance. Fabulous, especially when their vodka is rumored to be Grey Goose.  It just seems like when Target changed brands, they may have changed manufacturers.  So far, I’ve not tried an up&up product that’s been decent — not the “compare to Glad Forceflex” trashbags (flex? yes. force? laughable.), not the “compare to Ziploc” sandwich bags (the bags separate from the zipper constantly or the zipper is inside out), and certainly not the toilet paper.

I’m curious to know if anyone else has experienced this, or if perhaps my ass is just spoiled.

One thing I’ve always been aware of, though, is that I snap. You heard it here first… unless you’ve ever danced in my vicinity.  And in that case, I can only hope whatever you heard was drowned out by the music.  Every so often, for no reason whatsoever, while dancing to upbeat music… I’ll snap.

I’m not talking about a “hey-girl-drag-queen-oh-no-she-di’int-3-in-a-Z”  kind of snap  or even the timeless ‘When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way” style.  This is just your garden-variety “I dance like a tool” sort of snap. I try not to call attention to it because whenever I do it, I immediately wonder if I dance like an old white dad.

I’m not a belly dancer. I don’t flamenco. There is absolutely no reason on this earth — other than the fact that I find freestyle dancing somewhat socially awkward and an act I do only after several somethings with rum in it — that I should snap.

You may be picturing some sort of Elaine Benes snap-kick-thumbjerk dance move, but I assure you it’s nothing so grotesque.  It’s usually just a passing movement, generally when my hands are “down low” and it’s totally involuntary.

It could be worse. There was that time I may or may not have walked like an Egyptian.

But I do it when I talk and I have no idea why. Is it because I sing? It’s not like I try. Should I have been a writer? I guess I already am. Should I have been a rapper?  I don’t have big enough pants.

Ok, that last one was a stretch.

But I guess I really do rhyme when I talk and now I can’t stop hearing it.  I have to acknowledge when I rhyme now… “I was rhyming.” like anyone else gives a shit.  But I guess people do, who knew? It’s not like I notice when others rhyme, it’s not my business. I don’t have the time.

See? Right then I wasn’t even trying.  *sigh*

Oh, I don’t doubt they’re out there — those who absolutely must eat their Oreo just like they do in the commercial. But what about the artists? The rebels? What about those who just bite into it as-is?  What about those who (*gasp!*) couldn’t give a damn about the “creme” filling?  What about those who consume sans milk?!

Personally, my Oreo Process is as follows:

• Nibble off the top cookie in little bites like a mouse.
• Scrape off the “creme” filling with my bottom teeth in small bits. Never lick.
• Nibble bottom cookie at my leisure.
• Store on my thighs for Winter.

I’m not saying it should be done like this, per se. I just don’t understand why Oreo feels they have to force their belief system on the rest of us.  We’re buying and eating your cookie, Nabisco. What more do you want from us?  Our souls?

Joelle: So, have you ever caught yourself doing like some weird dance and then thought, “what the hell?” and looked around like someone was watching you?

Kathy: hahahaha.  yes. all the time.

Joelle: I was just totally doing a funky dance at my desk

Kathy: I did one earlier when i got out of the shower lol

Joelle: was it like a funky chicken or like a roger rabbit? cabbage patch? hustle? or just your own interpretive dance?

Kathy: it was kind of a version of a roger rabbit but with less oomph

Joelle: lol! mine was kind of a combo of the Snake and that 70’s dance where they look like they’re hitchiking. Kind of like a hand-jive, I guess.

Kathy: I was just doing the chair bounce as we speak

Joelle: sometimes it’s just the neck

Joelle: *neck*

Kathy: HAHAHAHHA *neck*

Kathy: speaking of… i need some actual music to do this to

Joelle: wait, you had no music?!

Kathy: no hahahaha

Joelle: truly the beat of your own drum, sister.  *neck*

So, it’s possible you’re thinking we’re a little weird or just found out you’re not alone.  Surely we’re not the only ones who’ve done this.  So… what’s your “move”? 

Just a reminder if anyone is interested, we’ll be talking to the girls of ChickChat Radio, Heidi and Lara, tonight on XM Channel 155 (Take Five) at 8:05pm EST / 5:05pm PST about our book The IT Girls Guide to Blogging with Moxie.  If you don’t have XM, you can hear this and all the rest of their shows via podcast. 

There’s an art to the PB & J, I think.  Sure, you can slap each on some bread, smoosh and you’re out the door, but one can craft a truly beautiful PB & J with the proper ingredients.  For me, peanut butter and jelly perfection consists of JIF.  Not Skippy, not Peter Pan and sure as hell not that Old-Fashioned-Oil-at-the-Top-Gotta-Stir-It-Reminds-Me-of-Olestra Laura Scudders crap.  It’s JIF and JIF only in this house.  Of course, I’m not inflexible.  I oscillate between crunchy and smooth—occasionally extra-crunchy.  More often than not, it’s smooth, though.

And jelly?  Honestly, I’m more of a jam girl.  Strawberry, preferably.  If all you have is grape, I won’t balk too much, but cram it if it’s plum or some jacked up hucklecluckle berry preserves. Or heaven forbid, marmalade.  Who decided marmalade was acceptable on a PB & J?  This isn’t a tea party. This is serious culinary stuff here.

There shall be no bananas or honey or marshmallow fluff.  No crunchy patchouli hippie pit crystal sandpaper 7000 grain bread.  It’s white bread or in a pinch, butter-top wheat, the way nature intended.

And for christ’s sake, no raisins.  That’s just perverse.

The second woman really sent me over the edge.  A well-dressed, extremely put-together woman in her late 20’s, maybe early 30’s in a Lexus, while sitting at a traffic light, just flung open her door and hocked one right on the concrete.  It wasn’t even discreet or ladylike in any fashion.  I thought maybe she’d found something floating in her coffee or something, but even then, crack the door, be discreet, or hell! Spit it back in the cup and get a fresh one when you get to work.  Don’t make me have to watch it!  It made me thankful my mom instilled manners in me at an early age.  Gah.

Speaking of coffee, remember when I talked about Food Processes?  Well, coffee is one of my “processes”.  I’m completely retentive about my coffee and I own that. I go to Einstein’s this morning for my usual cup o’ joe and they were not only out of all the creamers (2%, skim, half-n-half, etc.), but they only had a dribble of my usual coffee left in the urn and it was burned.  So I ask, “Do you have any Vanilla Hazelnut brewing?” The cashier lady, whom I’ve secretly dubbed Horse Tooth, reaches out her hoof to grab my cup and fill it from the semi-brewed pot behind the counter.  I kind of…pull back and say, “Oh, no…that’s ok. I can wait, thank you. (insert sweet smile here) I have kind of a …process.”

I stood around for a while and then Horse Tooth nays, “Excuse me! Lady with ‘the process’!!!!” Nice, huh? I go over there and she snatches my cup and runs to fill it up. I realize she was trying to be nice, but dammit, I said I’d wait!  She comes back with a totally full cup and then not two seconds later, they bring the urn out to the coffee bar so I could have filled it myself. I tried to “build my cup” properly, given the cup she’d filled for me, but it just wasn’t right. I had to dump it and start again.  She’s messed with my process.

You don’t screw with the process.

Oreos

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Twinkies

Corn on the cob

Toast

PB & J sammiches

My School of Thought

Oreos – it varies for me, but you can’t just BITE into an Oreo. it’s just not right. I cringe when I watch people do it. You have to DO something to it. Like twist off the top, or dunk it, or pry it with your teeth or lick it or something. Just biting into it is a waste of Oreo and should be forbidden by law.

Reese’s PB Cups – I chip off the outside ring of chocolate with my teeth. I’m a nibbler.  Then I eat the innards.

Twinkies – Well, I eat them normally, but if you fail to scrape the Twinkie Leavins™, you should be shot on sight.

Corn on the cob – I’m an “across” girl. Never around.

Toast – I like my toast (assuming it’s two pieces), faced together, then cut cross-wise, like an X.

PB & J – Cut like the toast, but then I take each wedge and peel it apart, for some unknown reason and savor each side.  But not all sammiches…just PB&J.

Yeah, so you think I’m weird, but I know I’m not alone in my Food Procedures.