It’s National Coming Out Day and while I’ve never made a secret of my orientation, it’s not something I discuss directly much because frankly, it’s no one’s business. Straight people don’t walk around talking about how straight they are (unless they’re complete tools) and I’ve been fortunate enough in my life that whom I love has been a relative non-issue. Not that being vocal about your orientation is bad — don’t get me wrong — I’ll stand out in the street and wave a rainbow flag like the gay man I think I am, but for me? My personal preferences? It just hasn’t been something that’s been necessary to address.
But, since it’s National Coming Out Day and in light of recent events surrounding LGBT youth and the definition of marriage in our country, I think it’s important to demonstrate that I am not ashamed of who I am. Not one bit. For those who haven’t figured it out by now, I am equal opportunity: I’ve dated both men and women.
When I first started blogging, I’d just come off of a year long relationship with a woman who broke my heart into a zillion pieces. It kind of wrecked me when I broke up with her, but it had to be done. She was my first real girlfriend, so it’s kind of a given that you get your heart broken on your first mission into the field, but it was a particularly tumultuous relationship filled with a considerable amount of deception and was extra painful. I got over it, but even today, it still smarts a bit if I think about it too much.
I dated a few women casually after that. In typical lesbian fashion, one wanted to move in before the server at Macaroni Grill had even brought the salad. Another was just too young for me and I don’t think I was gay enough for her. Another was a casual fling, the night a dude stole my wallet in a gayborhood bar and got chased down an alley by a gang of angry women in Teva sandals.
Before my first girlfriend, I had dated men… like y’do… and after the Macaroni Grill incident, I kind of put dating on hold for a while. Eventually, when I started dating again, there just weren’t any women that made me take notice. Or perhaps my heart had just been too bruised that I was skittish, but eventually it was a man that caught my eye again.
My issue is mostly the label. I really dislike the term ‘bisexual’ because it just conjures images of 23-yr-old girls in halter tops doing body shots at some college bar, hoping to score free drinks from a douchebag with Backstreet Boys fashion sense. And said douchebag is just hoping to score them. I dislike it for every guy I’ve met that thinks, “Ayyy…. can I get in on that action?” I dislike it for every jackass who thinks being bisexual means you swing or just need a good rogering to be turned into a proper straight chick.
Let me educate those people right now: being bisexual does not mean I’m easy, it doesn’t mean I’m just waiting for the right penis to come along, it doesn’t mean you can get in on “that action”. (Trust me, you’d do a lot of benchwarming.) It doesn’t mean I can’t make up my mind, it doesn’t mean I want a three-way (or any other ‘way’), it doesn’t mean I’m a sex addict, it doesn’t mean I’m being trendy and, my lesbian lovelies, it certainly doesn’t mean I will break your heart and leave you for a man.
But I still dislike the term ‘bisexual’ and there are no other viable options, which may be why I just don’t bring it up. Gay is gay. Straight is straight. Queer is… just awkward.
There are no other terms for bisexual that don’t include the word “sex”, which I think just perpetuates the straight man’s fantasy. Omnisexual, pansexual… all words for “I have more options”, but not only do they still include the word ‘sex’, they’re kind of pretentious, in my opinion.
Whether or not I like the word doesn’t change who I am and who I love. Right now, I’m in a relationship with a man and he’s wonderful… because of who he is and not his gender. It doesn’t mean I don’t notice — I’m open minded, not blind. I’m either attracted to someone or I’m not, just like any other person, but I don’t subscribe to particular gender.
I think it’s important to be who you are and love who you love. You may have to fight a few battles to overturn stereotypes, you may need to endure some really hurtful words and actions, but it can get better. Being true to who you are will, eventually, allow you to live your best life, if I may get all Oprah for a second.
Being bisexual is like this awkward middle ground — not entirely accepted by the lesbian community, and gratuitously embraced by the straight one. I don’t really give a damn what anyone thinks about it — I never have. I’ve been strangely “lucky” that due to my familial circumstances, whom I date has never been up for discussion or approval.
But even if it was, I am strong in my conviction that I love people, not parts. Love is love, no matter what it’s wrapped in.
(If you’d like to participate in National Coming Out Day, but aren’t gay or bisexual, you can participate as a straight ally for equality. Check out the Human Rights Campaign website for more details.)
Love this. I think being who you are is hard for any of us. Not to diminish anything that you pick up on or feel because I know my traditional marriage/family blahyblahblah gives me a “free pass” to some fuckers with stupid stereotypes. But being proud of who you are in-spite of other people’s preconceived notions is honorable and saying so gives power to yourself and others like you.
Also: This? ” In typical lesbian fashion, one wanted to move in before the server at Macaroni Grill had even brought the salad.” Cracked my ass up. LOVE it.
haha! That totally happened, too. She already had an overnight bag in her trunk because she *assumed* I was going to invite her to stay over. Girl, please. lol
You pretty much wrote what I think. I don’t usually wave the bisexual banner because I hate labels in general, but have spoken up recently due to all the hate being expressed as of late. “I think it’s important to be who you are and love who you love.” So very true.
Thanks, Alicia!
…I am strong in my conviction that I love people, not parts.
Quoted for excellence.
Also: ‘Tenth Muse,’ kind of a clue.
You get the gold star for noticing that.
Most people don’t realize why I chose that name. haha!
*cough*
Ok, technically Ms Pants came up with the name. Better?
Luv this. Frankly, I don’t understand why we all care so much about what any two grownups do with their hearts and parts, but since it seems we do–I’m so glad that there are people who are willing to stand up and say what you’ve said: it’s not about bits, it’s about who people are. In the end, isn’t that what all relationships should be?
A-fucking-men. Or women, whatever makes you happy.
Everyone assumes that my husband and I are straight (neither of us are) because we’re married, have two kids, etc. We’ve both loved people of the same gender, but made a committment to be together and only love each other going forward. It works for us. I only wish everyone else had the opportunity to love without reproach, and have the same legal rights as we do regardless of their chosen partner’s sex.
And the Macaroni Grill bit made me guffaw.
Thanks, all! Support for equality is so important and wonderful to hear!
I really like what you said in that first paragraph… I have a friend whom I’m 99.99999999% sure is at the very least bisexual, if not a later-in-life gay. He hasn’t “officially” come out to us, and I’ve been sad about that, wondering why he doesn’t trust us enough to share that information. But then I realized he doesn’t exactly hide his lifestyle from us, either – the guy we think is his partner is ever-present, even if they aren’t marching in local gay pride parades. I never had to have a conversation with him in which I announced my preference for penis, so why should he? PS – I think “rogering” is in the butt.
hahahahahaha! Is it? Let me consult my English friends. hahaha!
According to the internet, including The Urban Dictionary, which we all know is a bastion of quality grammar, rogering applies male to female sex.
Oh well – at least I had the opportunity to write “in the butt.”
And I totally encourage those moments.
HA! That reminds me of a joke one of my gay friends told me :
What does a lesbian bring on a first date?
A U-Haul
Great post! Happy NCOD!
Roger that.
“I think it’s important to be who you are and love who you love. ”
Exactly. And it’s no one else’s business unless you put it on the internet.
Everyone knows it doesn’t count unless you blog it.
BRAVO!!! As I age, I don’t give a flip about what orientation someone is. That who “oooh the bi-sexual girl will break your lesbian heart” shit is such a crock. You get your heart smashed no matter who or what your get dumped for! Loved this post! Like you, I don’t have this ginormous urge to wave a big gay whatever flag; it’s my personal business. Consider yourself special if I share it with you, and consider yourself blind as fuck if you eventually never figure it out.
HA!
Dude, considering I met you in a lesbian bar, no flag was required. haha!
I never understood what the big deal is with people. Is it ever anyone’s business what two consenting adults do in private? Why do people care so much about what other people do?
I think it is beautiful that you are so confident in who you are and don’t care what other people think. I commend you for coming out-ish.
Thanks, Laura! I’ve always felt the same way. Why do people CARE who you’re shagging? Unless you’re shagging ME, I don’t really give a damn. lol
Happiness is hard enough to come by – if you find what makes you happy, in whatever shape/color/size/gender it comes in, grab on to it and don’t let it go.
Well said, Colleen.