Only One of These Things is Not True
Tuesday, September 14th, 2010
So, here’s something novel: I went out to run errands, forgot my phone and was incapable of alerting people of my whereabouts. I know, the horror, right? But… but… how will anyone know I’m at the gas station? How will they go on without knowing I’m buying coffee creamer? How did the world spin before Foursquare?!
But, one good thing about not having my Twitter or Foursquare handy? Blog fodder, yo. I’d forgotten that’s how it works. And naturally, the one time I forget to bring my phone, the following occur:
- I taste a delicious, awesome spicy pork taco… at a car wash minimart.
- A fat kid holding a cardboard sign that reads “I em hongry” eats a McDonald’s cheeseburger and asks me for a dollar.
- I am accosted by a deflating wacky, wailing, inflatable, arm-flailing tube man.
- An engine ignites, catching a man’s crotch ablaze which he subsequently tries to put out with a slushy.
- I am solicited to pay for the funeral of someone I don’t know because they already sold his gold teeth and still don’t have enough.
- An unarmed assailant in short pants unleashes a scourge of apples in the frozen food aisle.
So yeah, only one of these things is not true I’m sorry to say. Or not sorry, depending on how you look at it… because if I’d had my phone, I totally would have blown this whole post in a series of annoying tweets.
You’re welcome.
I’m sort of hoping the crotch fire is the fake one. For that poor dudes sake.
Ginger´s last post: Wonderful Wednesdays
Someone clearly watches a little too much Family Guy and Simpsons.
Aaron Poehler´s last post: eBay is dEad- or why I gave up buying and selling on eBay
Not really. I used to watch Family Guy before it got obnoxious. But I don’t know what else to call those big inflatable bastards other than that.
When a fat kid is holding a McDonald’s cheeseburger, the only thing he’s doing at that moment is eating the damn McDonalds cheeseburger. He has no free hand to hold a sign, and certainly no time to open his mouth for anything besides that next bite.
I swear if the crotch ablaze story is one of the truths, I may die of laughter.
statia´s last post: I love you- stinky face
i wanna vote for the crotch-story as well although at the same time, if it’s true it’s pretty much the final thing i need to decide that i absolutely HAVE TO see san diego and skip the midwest this year!
kim´s last post: knockknock is this thing on
I am secretly wishing they were all true. I have yet to join the world of Tweets. Hey… up until last August, I had never texted. So shoot me. And then blog about it.
lani´s last post: Worthwhile Conversations
The crotch and the fat kid are both true. So that narrows it down some.
okay-with the list narrowed down (can’t believe the crotch guy!) I’ll guess the unarmed apple guy.
Ding ding ding! Jules is the big winner. No one unleashed apples in the freezer aisle, but all the rest of that stuff happened in the span of about 45 minutes.
So…. did the slushie work? Or did he burn his penis clear off?
statia´s last post: Exit only
It was really more like the hem of his shorts, but close enough, I’m sure he felt. The slushie did, indeed, douse his pants sufficiently.
you know-I have another friend from San Diego and I gotta tell you-Portland is weird, but SD takes the cake! I can’t believe the stories both of you tell and the freaks you come across! And you are brave eating a taco from a car wash!
Perhaps your friend shares my gift of attracting the weirdness. It’s just a knack I have, I think. lol
makes me wonder what would happen if you went out on the town together!
jules´s last post: Is THAT what she said