*deep breath* So.
Over the last several years, I’ve managed to reacquire much of the weight I lost back in 2003… you know, my magnificent achievement and all that jazz. In fact, I must have lost and gained that same bunch of pounds a few times over during the last 7 years. I’ve eschewed carbs, I’ve counted Points, I’ve made half-hearted attempts at the gym and I’ve continuously, non-stop, talked about when I would reach my goal weight or how I would reach my goal weight, but the bottom line is… I never actually did anything about reaching my goal weight, at least, not with any results that stuck.
I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been so, so busy I’ve had no time for myself — believe me, I really would — but I have to admit: that’s a crock of crap. There’s time if I make it. There are boundaries I can set with my work and my personal time. I don’t need to DVR every show on the planet. I don’t need to grab take-out, even if it’s Subway, because I’m too tired to grill a chicken breast. And I’m tired of making excuses not to hang out with people I care about because deep down, I’m embarrassed about the shape I’m in and maybe moreso, ashamed about my failure.
Dun dun DUN. I said the F word. Failure. I lost 97lbs back in 2003 and I failed at keeping it all off. I failed. Failed, failed, failed. They say a fear of failure is the greatest motivator. But what do you do when the fear of failure is no longer an incentive? What do you do when you’ve already failed? You could get the hell over it and remind yourself that failure is just a result of trying and not trying is worse than sucking. You could say failure is just a word to describe an experience that ultimately builds character and shows that, at the very least, you tried, right? Right?!
So, I’m accepting the failure. I think. I’m working on it anyway. I don’t think anyone welcomes failure, but I have never been one to not accomplish what I set out to achieve for myself. I’ve survived a lot of things, I’ve accomplished a lot of things, but this… this has been my albatross. I want to let go of that initial “journey” of weight loss (ew, how touchy-feely). It’s been tough because I never reached my goal the first time… I made great strides, but I never actually got there. My first experience on Weight Watchers was like a Chicago song from the 80′s: good for the first 3 minutes, then trailing on indulgently until fading out interminably. In hindsight, I’ve been desperately grasping at the success of that first weight loss and well, it’s just over. That chapter is over. I’m almost a decade older, I’m a different person now and I need to start anew.
That first success/failure is a learning experience and a lesson in humility… because I seriously thought I would never go there again! (Oh no, not me!) A fear I’ve had in losing weight is that I would be a statistic… gaining all my weight back and then some. I’m thankful I didn’t gain it all back — around half of it — but that half is enough to remind me that I need to do something about it. Believe me, I live on the top floor and after 4 flights of stairs I recall fondly my glory days as a size 12. (An aside: since when is 12 a plus-size, by the way? I’m going to bust my ass to get to my goal weight and still be plus-size? How is that fair?)
I wasn’t going to blog this because it’s… well, rather mortifying… but this weekend, I was in a parking lot and a small child loudly exclaimed, about me, “WOW, mommy, that woman is FAT!” I don’t think I need to explain how I felt. But if you think that I wished the earth would open it’s giant maw to swallow me and that I hoped that maw would be big enough to accommodate my massive ass, you would be in the ballpark.
I couldn’t be upset with the child. Kids are honest. He was only stating the obvious and while his mom admonished him for saying impolite things, the bottom line is, he’s right. What am I supposed to do? Go home and cry about it? Ok, yes, that’s exactly what I did, but then I pulled up my big girl panties (no pun intended) and decided that if I didn’t want children humiliating me in public, perhaps I should quit my whinging and do something about it already. I refuse to be emotionally undone by a toddler.
I’m so tired of trying. It’s exhausting to spin your wheels. So, then what are my options? Stop trying, get a few dozen cats and become like that woman whose ass fused to the couch? Or shut my proverbial piehole and get on with it? What am I waiting for? I feel like I’m always waiting for something — I’ll start on Monday, I’ll start on the 1st, I’ll start when I finish this client or that project. SHUT UP AND JUST GET ON WITH IT. Cripes.
“Failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up.” — Chinese proverb
Me too. I didn’t lose 97 pounds (more like 37) but I pretty much gained it back. Pisses me right off to look at pictures of me from when I actually WAS too busy to catch my own ass (with two newborns and two toddlers) and I still managed to make time for myself to eat right and exercise occasionally. Also, it pisses me off that when I put on weight, I start getting a butt chin like my dad’s.
Bring back the donut!
P.S. Whatever size you are, Joelle, you are GORGEOUS – radiant, beautiful, stunning, hysterically funny, and honestly, I’d be surprised if I found that you didn’t have a fan club of stalkers not just wanting to fuck you or write like you or design like you, but to actually BE you. You’re awesome!
.-= Laura aka LaLaGirl´s last blog ..The hardest thing about parenting, for me… =-.
I love how you worked fuck into a compliment. you’re awesome.
xo thank you!
Wishing you nothing but success!!!
.-= soapbox.SUPERSTAR´s last blog ..Silly Bandz, The New Fad =-.
Thanks, Misty!
A whole lot of your post? Tiny changes here and there, and that’s me and my weight loss story. And you’re right: it’s time to just shut up and get on with it. And I want to work the word “fuck” into a compliment too. So, “Fuck, you’re good at cutting through the shit!”
I could have written this post myself, almost word for word, minus that initial loss..
I do not know why I cannot seem to get a grip. Laziness I guess. And MAN .. that is hard to admit, hard to face.
If you DO bring back the donut, I would love to be a part of it. Maybe it would help to keep me accountable.
*sigh*
.-= Jen´s last blog: See? =-.
I hope to. My plan was to bring it back in July, before BlogHer — which I’m still trying to do. I have so much work, I feel bad working on my personal projects and by the end of the day, I want off the computer. lol But the Donut does need to make a comeback.
I don’t know if this will be in any way helpful, but you were a big part of my inspiration to lose weight when I lost 50 pounds before my wedding in 2004. I kept it off until…. the honeymoon… and then slowly, and with the help of two pregnancies, gained it all right back. In January I was back to my highest weight ever… and then I looked at my daughter, who turned one in May, and thought about how unfair it would be for me to teach her all the terrible habits I was living with. She’d be guaranteed to have a weight problem because she’d never learn to live a healthy life. So now I’m trying, for her sake. I’ve lost 30 pounds since January, and I’m trying to do the Couch to 5K thing… I think I’m doing pretty well…
The good thing is that you’ve done this and been successful before, so you already know what to do!
.-= Skinny Sushi´s last blog: After the Shred =-.
Thanks, Sushi. I’m glad I inspired you once! It’s great that you’re back on track… kudos on your 30 lbs. gone.
God, it’s so effing hard. The thing that frustrates me is that IT’S JUST FOOD. It’s like the big accomplishments? No problem. But this one stupid thing…
A doctor once told me that I would always have a weight problem, and that some people “just struggle more.” I wanted to punch him in the face but now I only want to punch him in the face ’cause he was right. Bastard.
xoxox
.-= Nina the slackmistress´s last blog: The Further Adventures of Not Me. =-.
Right!? It’s JUST food. But unfortunately, we need food and therein lies the rub. xoxo back atcha.
My closest friends are fitness freaks, I’m obsessed with Spinning and the gym, but somehow…the whole weight loss thing is still a struggle for me. Darn that food issue. hah. So, I get some of what you’re going through, though I never had the initial weight loss like you did. It’s amazing how much we’ll bust our asses for someone else, but when it comes to taking care of us…it just doesn’t happen or we tend to feel guilty when we do.
You can do this, I know.
And you’ve always been hot to me, radiant as all hell.
Thanks, Alicia. *radiates* hehe!
Joelle,
I love reading your blog. I’ve done so for years now (hello, shy lurker party of one) and I have to say, what I love about you is that you acknowledge the struggles with weight that, lord knows, I’ve battled with all my life. It helps me personally to know that there’s someone out there going through something similar, and doing so with strength and humor. You’ve been inspirational to me, no matter what your scale or pant size says. So, thanks.
Thank you so much!
That made my day.
I know how you feel. I had lost 70 lbs last year (for 110 lbs overall over the last 3 years) and in the last 10 months I’ve managed to put back on 30 lbs and I’m so pissed at myself for it. I have no excuse, really. it just happened. Worse yet, I still had another 70 lbs to get to my goal weight last year and now, well, now it’s an even 100. The only thing that gives me hope is that I’ve done this once so I *should* be able to do it again. But it’s so frustrating, in the meantime. Why is it so much easier to gain weight than lose it? Something about that just doesn’t seem fair.
I can so relate to that. It’s so frustrating losing the same weight over and over. sometimes it feels like a mental block — what keeps us from moving past X amount? What keeps us from continuing on once we’ve reached a certain level of success?
30 lbs isn’t the end of the world. you’re right, you did it once, you can do it again. And once you’re on the way, when you hit that 30lb mark, come back and I’ll smack you around a bit so you don’t stop.
hehe. Just kidding.
Hi Joelle. Long time reader. Wanted to say thanks – your post made me get up and exercise tonight just when I was about to tell my husband I didn’t feel like it. I’ve struggled with my weight since gradeschool. A couple years ago I got the lap band, paid for it myself, $15,000. After a year it slipped out of place. I had insurance by that time, but they would only pay to remove it, not fix it. So after struggling with the insurance company for six months, and throwing up half of every meal I ate in the meantime, I paid another $3000 (stupid insurance copays) to have it removed, and gained back the 60 lbs I’d lost and 10 more. So now I’m on my own again. I’m down 38 lbs from my highest ever. Doctor put me on a no-carb diet (South Beach phase 1, permanently) and I’ve lost 15 on that so far. At least a hundred more to go.
Anyway, thanks for the push, and I hope you can find your push somewhere too
The push is there … I did actually go to the gym last night AND I did my Wii Fit! Hooray!
Congrats on heading to the gym despite not wanting to. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you to get off your ass. I’m glad I could be that person. haha! I have 100 to go, too. It feels like an eternity, but it can be done. We can do this.
Good luck!!
Joelle, I’ve been reading your blogs since back in 2003 and I’ve always thought that you are gorgeous and funny and whip-smart!
I have to say that while I don’t really struggle with weight, I do struggle with being un-fit and finding the time to be active in my daily life. Literally just this morning I decided that I was going to have to suck it up, take the kids to the gym daycare and bust it out on the treadmill a couple of times a week this summer. My health has to be a priority so that I’ll be around for a long time for my girls, and so that they learn, from my example, to value their own health. Maybe thinking about it in terms of getting healthy rather than “losing weight” could change the perspective a bit for you?
Thank you so much! I do really look at it now as being healthy. It’s just hard when you look in the mirror every day — don’t see ‘health’, you see your physical appearance and that can be hard to get past. But it’s possible!
Good luck on your own health-kick! You can do it.
Your post completely articulated everything I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been doing the up and down thing for 15 years and it’s beyond frustrating feeling like I always have to be “trying” to lose weight. What you said about accepting failure is so true, and I’ve realized that I’ve conditioned myself to not even recognize my successes anymore because I am SO focused on that failure. I lost a good amount of weight about 5 years ago and I slowly gained it back plus more (not coincidentally since I started working from home) so I’ve been seriously “trying” to lose weight since last summer and I’m down 20 lbs. But my boyfriend has lost 50 lbs, so of course I’ve been feeling like a failure, not even recognizing that losing 20 lbs. is a GOOD thing and I SHOULD be happy about that, but I still feel like it’s never good enough.
Reading your post has put that into perspective, though. You lost almost 100 lbs. and that is a big accomplishment no matter how much of it you gained back! Gaining weight is easy, losing weight is really hard and that’s why so many people struggle with it. I agree with you about letting go of previous losses, but that doesn’t mean you should forget about what you accomplished. If anything, I can look at my previous losses and know that I CAN do it. But you’re right, it’s time to move on and just get on with it!
But anyway, I think you are awesome for writing this post and obviously a lot of people agree and have similar feelings on the subject. It would be great the have the Donut back! I feel the same way about working on personal projects, but I finally had to bite the bullet and schedule time for much needed redesigns this summer or else I was never going to get to them. It’s funny, all the same failure/guilt issues I have about food, I have about work, too. Hmm….
.-= Emily´s last blog: Lemon Glazed Blackberry Cake =-.
YES! I don’t revel in my accomplishments as much as I should. I find I do a lot of “yeah, but…” Yeah, that was awesome, but look I’m still fat. Yeah, we have a successful business and I love what I do and I co-authored a real, actual book from real actual publishers in real actual bookstore, I have a lovely apartment in a beautiful city… and I did all this without a college degree…. but I’m still fat.
Isn’t that sad? The only thing I’ve focused on for the last decade… hell, the last 20 years… is “that’s nice n’ all, but I’m still fat”.
That’s pathetic now that I think about it. LOL time to change that noise!
p.s. I love that your last blog was “lemon glazed blackberry cake”. haha! Apropos!
Oh my darling ngo…. I send you so much love.
I personally do not think that you failed. Dude, you lost 97 lbs! That’s amazing! Okay, so then it came back, but it didn’t like, show up at your door all in one fell swoop. You were living your life (like y’do) and it crept back up slowly. That happens. That’s living life. You probably have some good friggin memories over that time span that trump the found pounds. I’m not saying that you should be glad the weight is back, because while mildly insane, I’m not quite batshit. But over the last 10 years, you have lived, really and truly lived, and THAT is what’s most important.
If you want to do it again, I know you can. You’re not a gal who has ever let the word “can’t” get in your way. I’ve always admired that about you. And consider this: at least this time ’round, you won’t have quite the mindfuckery swirling about you that was all shittastic the first go ’round. I’ll even get pom poms and send you weekly rahrahs (with signature snark, of course) if you wish. It’s the least I can do, considering.
But in the meantime, please do not let this get you down too much. What you’ve done in the last 10 years for yourself is fucking amazing. I adore you still and believe in you like whoa. So be nice to you cos I don’t like when people are mean to my friends.
(And yes, this is so pot/kettle, but eat the goddamn pickle and accept it–I love you, even when your bref smells like goat meat.)
*love* That comment was filled with so many inside jokes and hilarious visual, I don’t even know where to begin.
Thanks, dude.
What the fuck? Seriously, why am I allowed to speak in public?
De-lurking here… First to say I feel your pain – Saturday found me crying in the dressing room of a clothing store trying to find pants to wear to a wedding reception. I’m at my highest weight in 15 years and have noone to blame but myself.
And B, I’m so excited you’re posting again. I can’t recall how I came across your site but I’ve trolled through some of your archives and might be a little bit smitten (in a completely non-stalker way of course).
Aw! I’m sorry you were crying in a dressing room! That totally sucks, I’ve been there. I used to cry because nothing fit, then I cried when things DID fit and then I went back to crying because they didn’t again. NO MORE TEARS!
Dang Joelle, I can’t get over how you think it’s your fault you haven’t kept the weight off. Plenty of people can eat Subway and not gain weight, but that some think they shouldn’t enjoy foods they like (or enjoy not having to cook because of too little time) because they have a tendency to gain weight just kills me. And dieters “fail” to keep weight off ca. 95% of the time, according to most studies. How is that your fault that you fall within those 95%? Luckily you can still enjoy good (or better) health by exercising, for your health’s sake and not for some number on the scale. And enjoy a wide variety of foods at the same time
*gets off soapbox*
Thanks, G. I appreciate your support — I do!
But I also firmly believe we are responsible for our own destiny and our own choices. Of course dieters fail to keep it off 95% of the time, but that’s usually because those dieters are not really being realistic or as committed as they should (unless there’s some kind of medical condition that prevents them from losing weight.)
It’s a harsh truth, but one that is a simple fact. Calories in, calories out. It’s scientific. And unfortunately, I just don’t subscribe to the “It’s not my fault” school of thought because whose is it then? I choose to eat X. I choose whether or not to go to the gym and when the healthiest of options are applied… well, it works. The bottom line is it’s no one’s fault but my own. I say who, I say when and I say how much!
/Pretty Woman
I’m not beating myself up over it or berating myself. It’s accepting reality and making a new decision about what to do about that reality. It’s not like I’ll never eat Subway again — I’m considering it for dinner tonight! — everything in moderation.
But when you’re trying to actively lose weight, minimizing convenience foods aids in that endeavor.
But I do really, really appreciate your support and thank you for commenting!
Ohmuhgosh, Joelle – I remember snaggin’ all kinds of awesome WW recipes off you “back in the day”
I never did find the perfect answer for me until now…..I hate my job so much that I never want to eat and have lost more than I ever did on WW!! So not cool…..
Just remember, determination is the key…..back then I remember being completely in AWE of your determination when I couldn’t drive past a Dunkin’ Donuts without getting at least a SMALL coolatta – lol
You rock, you always have…..and I love your proverb – it’s so true!!
Thanks! I know I’ve got the mojo to do it … it’s around here somewhere.
If anyone is interested, the Donut is back online. The archives are missing and I don’t know if they’ll ever be back, but it’s started again, at the very least. Bear with me while I take my time getting it together and completed, but posts are happening.
http://putdownthedonut.com
wow. SO know how you’re feeling. i have never been skin in my life since i was 10 years old or so. i’ve been trying to get there for probably twenty years now. in the meantime kinda forgetting to just enjoy all the great things in my life. i’m at my all time high right now and have NEVER felt this bad before EVER. i would give a lot to get my 21 year old 200 lbs happy, healthy and HOT (!) self back. unfortunately i didn’t feel that way back then … :*(
luckily i’m in germany and after months and months of doctor’s visits, therapy and writing back and forth with the insurance company i got granted a six-week-rehab-program starting at the beginning of july. hopefully that will be the help i need to take on that HUGE mountain ahead of me because right now, it almost seems unmanageable. but i’m 33, i have a whole entire life ahead of me, i don’t want to be depressed and unhappy and ashamed any more.
i can do this and i am SO happy to have you help as inspiration along the way!!! all the best to you! xoxo
.-= kim´s last blog: my beauty spring favorites =-.
PS: i would like to add your feed to my netvibes but i can’t find it anywhere… ?
.-= kim´s last blog: my beauty spring favorites =-.
Oops! Here’s the feed, though I’m not sure why it’s showing truncated posts: http://feeds.feedburner.com/tenthmuse It should be showing full posts — that’s how I have it marked. But there it is, in any case! lol
you can do it! there’s no reason for us to waste our youth and beauty feeling sorry for ourselves. You deserve more than that… so do I! So do we all.
Joelle… you and me.. we need to chat girlfriend. Number one – You are and have always been a hot potato gorgeous lady. Now lemme tell you, BEEN there. I battled and battled. A lot you didn’t see because, well you moved your happy ass to CA! None the less, I fought this weight shit for a long time. It’s no fun, but you gotta MAKE it an enrichening part of your lifestyle. Don’t buy into the fads. I cannot count how MANY times I did that Atkins crap. Good Lord! That shit is NOT the way to go. Took me a long time and many repeats of the program to realize that carbs were not making my ass fat, it was the caloric intake and my output that were screwing me up. It goes even beyond calories, it’s making damn sure that I put my health first, and committing myself to doing something every day to move my butt. You are so worth the effort with this girl. Seriously. You can knock this bastard stinky monkey off of your back. I have about removed the remaining furry remnants of that beast from my shoulders. Where is my fucking lint roller? LOL
Don’t get discouraged. Every small victory is a way to eventually win that war. You need to talk, I’m here.
Yeah, I’m not a trendy diet person — haven’t been since I was in my 20′s. I like Weight Watchers, it works if you work it. And you impress me with all your bikery. I’m glad you found something you enjoy so much.
I read this right as I need(ed) to, thank you!
Joelle, I’ve read your blog on and off for years, back when you had Snappy Hour. I happened to stumble back on your site today and even though I tend to be a lurker, I wanted to applaud your post. Calling bullsh!t on yourself isn’t easy but is the first step towards towards your new goal. I wish you everlasting motivation and some for myself too.
I’ve always been a lurker, but this point… Lady, I could have written it too about a 100 times over.
I’m sure kids make fun of me, but I’m very very hard of hearing and don’t hear the rude comments. But I see the stares. 
And I gotta say, the kids are usually fine… its the old farts that are rude around where I live. Go figure.
I’ve had gastric bypass. then hernias, then bleeding ulcers, then more hernias. Now I’ve been told the surgery was a fail… the original doctor didn’t do all the steps that was needed before putting me under the knife. Now I’m told I could die, if I don’t get more weight off.
I’m on WW now. Its’ such a freakin struggle. seriously, its not hard. I’m just sick of losing the same weight, that I gain, lose, and gain again.
Hand over the chocolate, eh? LOL! If only, it was that easy.
Anyhow, just another person adding her 2 cents and saying “I understand what your going through”