Reclaiming It Doesn’t Make It Untrue
- July 22nd, 2009
Marie over at Agent Lover had an interesting experience where a site complimented her by featuring her in a Fat Love fashion post. I have never thought of Marie as fat and while she’s not a size 4, by her own admission, she doesn’t feel the need to declare “I’m a BBW!” from a rooftop either. I’ve always thought she was unique and a little crazy and really daring when it came to fashion. And I never once noticed her weight. She’s just… Marie, hot stuff n’ all. To quote her:
I appreciate that. She’s just being who she is, working her swagger. The original post, while intending to be complimentary, just missed the mark by assuming that every confident person who isn’t thin is totally cool with being the Grand Marshall of the Fat Pride Parade.
The author of the Fat Love Friday post responded immediately, according to Marie’s post comments, and offered to remove the offending post, explaining that fat doesn’t have to be seen as a negative word (”My view is that the word “fat” doesn’t always have to be used negatively. And I certainly didn’t use it that way in the post.”). I’m in no way “villianizing” the author, she’s entitled to her point of view and I understand where she’s coming from — but I see why Marie doesn’t want it taken down. It’s because she’s making a point and removing the post would defeat that purpose. To quote her again…
And the Fat Love author responded with something that struck a nerve. I started to comment in Marie’s comments, but I was rambling and starting to veer off-topic, so I thought it best to give a little back-story, then vent my opinion here. The post author responded to Marie’s comment with this:
I totally disagree with most “pro-fat movements” and “fat acceptance” declarations. I understand trying to ‘reclaim’ the word, but frankly… why does anyone want it?
I don’t agree with fat-ism or discrimination against the overweight in any way. No, indeed — that’s just rude, outright mean and something I’ve experienced myself. But I feel the same about people reclaiming the word “fat” as I do about women reclaiming “bitch”. RECLAIMING IT DOESN’T MAKE IT UNTRUE.
Reclaiming “bitch” and putting a stamp of “empowered woman” on it doesn’t mean you’re not a bitch. In fact, it probably increases the likelihood of it being true, in my experience. And walking around declaring myself fat doesn’t make it any less true. It doesn’t mean someone isn’t beautiful, but the terms “fat acceptance” and “pro-fat movements” give the impression that speaking out against discrimination of the overweight (which is generally the schtick of the pro-fat movement) is the same as saying “It’s OK to be 300 lbs.” Guess what? It’s not OK with your liver. Or your heart. Or your kidneys. Or your back, knees or doctor.
While running PutDowntheDonut.com (and I won’t give you the song and dance about how it’s coming back — it is — when I have a minute), I was bombarded with “fat power” and “fat acceptance” and “pro-fat” protesters saying that because my site was about being real about losing weight, being candid and honest, we were anti-fat. Uh, yeah, it’s a weight loss site — so that’s kind of the whole idea. We got a lot of “I’m 275 lbs. and I look HOT! Who the hell do you think you are?” or “I’m a size 26 and I work my ass, girl! Who the hell do you think you are?” or “I’m 310 lbs and my doctor said I was perfectly healthy at my last physical! Who the hell do you think you are?”
I think I’m someone who doesn’t really care how hot you are or how fat you are. It’s none of my business. I like a curvier woman — this is not news. I think women with more meat on their bones are sexy and I wish I was born in another era when a size 12 or 14 was considered the epitome of beauty. But I’m not and that’s the breaks, kid. I don’t care what size you are or how confident you are — but don’t try to convince me it’s healthy to be fat.
The Donut wasn’t anti-fat people, just anti-FAT. There’s a difference. And we weren’t anti-your fat. That’s on you… but if I want to be anti-my fat, well, that’s my own damn business. I don’t have to accept my own fat if I don’t want to. Improving on myself is ultimately a testament to how much I love myself, isn’t it? I don’t care what doctor is blowing sunshine up your ass, being “fat” isn’t healthy, no matter how empowered you feel about the label.
And while I realized that Marie’s post wasn’t talking about health, but about fashion, my perception of fat acceptance is the same: if I say I’m fat and wear the title with pride, it makes it ok that I’m deluding myself. I’d rather not label myself something just to make others feel more comfortable about their own issues.
I know I’m overweight. I know I need to lose some weight to be healthier. But am I fabulous? You’re damn right I am. And I don’t have to subscribe to fat-acceptance or any other label to embrace that about myself, nor does anyone else.
I may have opened a can of worms, I may have just prattled incoherently, but… I needed to get that off my chest.
got one of your own? share it.
I can totally appreciate and relate to where you are coming from – thanks for putting this out there!
Word. Thanks, siz!
A-freaking-MEN, sister. I love this post, and I subscribe wholeheartedly to the whole point behind it. I’m there.
Sometimes, I wish I could hand out cards with a smile: “Hey. This may not, in fact, be about you.”
For the record, I think you’re beautiful, no sunshine. Like you, I tend to not see things like age and weight. In fact, I’m downright horrible at guessing those. You are who you are, and that’s a philosophy I’ve always believed in. It shocks and frustrates me how many people look at a woman and see dress-size.
That said, I also see what you say about the health aspect — I struggle on the opposite end of it, being very skinny and often on the receiving end of anorexia or bulimia “helpful suggestions”. It’s interesting to me how many people want to make a battle out of nothing.
I respect your desire to lose weight. I respect their desire to keep weight. I respect a friend’s desire to gain weight.
So, I ask myself, why doesn’t everyone respect my choices?
C’est la vie. Keep being fabulous, Joelle, and the same goes to Marie.
Thank you.
I think that there is just way too much emphasis on how women *look*. Men, too, I guess, but women judging other women as pro this or anti that or fat or thin or anything else is just bunch of bollocks.
Just because someone is fat, I don’t look at them and think “fat person”. I think “That’s Sue” (or Jane or Lois or whatever) and who they are, what they do and a dozen other things before I consider their weight. Now, will I front like I DON’T ever acknowledge it? No, of course not, sometimes you have to — but I don’t judge their fat. It’s their fat, not mine. Lord knows I’ve got my own to deal with.
I respect your choices! Thanks for your thoughts!
Yes, yes a thousand times yes.
I used to explain that just because I am on a diet (or “lifestyle change” or “reduced eat plan” or whatever anyone wants to call it) doesn’t mean I hate myself. I can both love my body AND want to change it. It’s the either/or that I can’t deal with.
YES! If you’re on a diet, I was told “you’re pro-anorexia”. Um, no, I just don’t want to die before I’m 40 of diabetes or heart disease.
I say it AGAIN… ROCK ON SISTER!!
It’s all about being healthy, not being a size or particular weight. Some folks are medically proven healthy at a higher weight, BUT their body fat ratio is lower.
Folks just need to worry about being healthy and being able to live long productive lives.
Absolutely! I will never be a size 4. I have come to terms with that. And there will be people when I’m rockin’ a size 12, the fittest I’ve ever been, who will still see me as fat. They can kiss my ample ass.
Now that I look back on my life, I realize how screwed up things are. I am 44 years old. I’ve had two bouts of anorexia in the last 15 years. I know for a fact that if I ever fall into it again, I WILL DIE. Funny thing is, when I was at my thinnest, no one ever seemed to notice. Sure, there may have been whispers behind my back, but there never seemed to be any actual concern. Now that I am FAT, everyone’s concerned! Everyone has advice or stories about how their fat friends are “just like me”. I mean, no one is actually mean about it, but they just seem to be fountains of information about what they think is healthy, or what I should be eating, or how I shouldn’t be sitting around so much. They’re absolutely right, but where were these people when my hair was falling out and I was having dizzy spells and lying about how I ate a big breakfast and that’s why I wasn’t eating lunch? And the heart palpitations! God, I hated those… Why did no one notice how thin and sickly I looked. If I hadn’t snapped out of it on my own both times, I wonder if I’d be around to type this right now. I am so much happier now than I was then and I’ve got a husband who doesn’t judge me and still physically wants me, even though I was skinny when we got married. He’s the only one who doesn’t make me feel like being fat is a bad thing…Thanks for listening!
Aw, Cath! I have been on both ends of the spectrum myself. I’m very familiar with bulimia, unfortunately. Not anymore, but in my teens and early 20’s, I struggled with it a lot. During childhood, I was a little chubby (mostly normal baby fat) until about 3rd grade. I even have a Polaroid of me holding an Alba 77 diet shake, looking totally like a normal 8-year old, but sticking my stomach waaaaaaaaay out so my back was swayed. Written on the Polaroid IN CRAYON is “Go away, Fatso!” My dad used to (lovingly) call me “Chubette” as a child and after my mom died when I was 10 until I was about 12, the only time I recall my dad really *seeing* me was when I’d lost weight. I understand what it is to not view yourself the way others see you and to feel like you’re not seen unless you are what people expect you to be.
So yeah. ISSUES!
Thanks for sharing that, Cath. I’m glad you have a wonderful husband who loves you for who you are and I hope you love you for who you are, too.
Oh Cath, that is heartbreaking and it shows how health is a pretty vague concept.
As for FA and health, I just read an interesting post and the comments over there are a pretty good representation of what the different people in the FA community believes about FA (because there are many voices, many views) and how health fits into it. I think the basic idea is that eating healthy and exercising is good for everyone, but you can’t tell from looking at someone, whether thin or fat, if they practice good eating and keep active – that it is possible to have a horrid diet but not get hassled for it if you don’t happen to look stereotypically unhealthy (like Cath above – props to you for sticking to the better option here! Being fat is MUCH BETTER than being dead.) and that it is possible to be fat even though you eat a balanced diet (I do and I am still fat) and are active. But ultimately no one owes it to you or anyone else to be healthy or defend or explain why they are fat because ultimately it is no one’s business but their own and being fat does not make anyone a bad/lazy/greedy/insert whatever person.
And by that definition I don’t mind being labeled as fat. I AM fat. I am also short, I have dark eyes and my pinky sticks out when I hold a glass. None of it tells anything about the kind of person I am, it’s just too bad that so many people get hung up on that one aspect of me and assume they know anything about my habits and health just from looking at me. Some could very well be right, but most just aren’t.
http://www.bfdblog.com/2009/07/22/what-if-we-dont-put-down-the-donuts/
As for labeling someone fat who don’t identify as such (regardless of what BMI says, we all know how accurate that is, hur hur!) that is just.. rude, we all have a right to define ourselves and fat is a sensitive issue. I don’t think the original poster would have done it if she knew how it was to be received and being into FA myself I can see how easy it is to forget that Fat (the word and the state of being), for a lot of people, is still something inherently negative.
I assumed there are various points of view in the FA community, which I why I was careful not to say “all”. Most of what I’ve had contact with are what might be called “the extremists” of the bunch. I totally agree that you can’t tell by looking at someone what their situation is like. I’ve always hated having my shopping cart eyeballed… ARGH, I hate that. And I know judgments are made and I just had to learn to block that out. I am definitely not for any kind of judgment against overweight people, but it IS human nature, like it or not.
There is fat discrimination, just like there’s racial, gender, sexual-orientation and religious discrimination. Doesn’t mean it’s right, but you just have to handle it however you feel is best. I agree that there are many misconceptions about overweight people that they are lazy or don’t try — and that is just not always the case. I know lots of very fit and healthy women of a size 14 — my smallest size is a 12 (I think I *smoke* at a 12! TOOT TOOT!), but as you said, the point is not to make assumptions about other people.
Interesting title for the BFD piece. Coincidence? Regardless, just for the record, I caught a lot of heat from the FA community regarding the title of my website, PutDowntheDonut.com. My response to that has always been, “Not everything is about you”, to put it bluntly. It was just meant to be funny and lighthearted and realistic and entertaining — to me and those who chose to read it. I was accused to propagating the ‘myth’ that fat people just need to stop eating. To that I say, “Give me a break.” Myth? Really? I’d say 90% of the time, we really DO need to put down the donut. Not EVERYONE can have a thyroid problem or a slow metabolism or some extenuating circumstance that makes them overweight. We don’t have the fattest country on Earth because we have drive-thru salad bars. Sometimes, the truth is a cruel mistress. And I speak for myself!
And I don’t mean you, you. Just like… “you”. Ubiquitous you.
I also stick my pinky out when I drink! I get razzed about it, you? Thanks for commenting, Gry!
I just read that link again… really good stuff in there! Some differing opinions, some in line with my POV. Thanks for sharing that .
For me, occasionally using the word fat to describe myself isn’t about claiming the word or supporting a pro-fat movement ( I agree with your comment about that). It was about claiming the fat. Which sounds kooky, I know. But for the longest time, despite being unhappy about my weight, I could somehow ignore it. I hid behind the dark, loose-fitting clothes and I never talked about it with anyone. Denial? Oh hell yeah I had it. Big time. So, harsh as it was, finally I had to say to myself, “Girl, you’re fat. Ain’t no hiding it. What are you gonna do about it?” Overweight, plus-sized, BBW, call it what you want. It’s still fat. And I’m not saying it’s ugly. It is what it is. But it’s also not healthy for me (I’ll add that last bit before someone comes along and says he/she is 400lbs of fantastic health) and trying to dresst up the word makes it too easy for me to slide back into a place where I forget that fact.
No, I totally get that. It’s not wrong to acknowledge something about yourself that’s true. And I’m not against someone claiming their own fat and declaring themselves fat. If that’s how you roll, that’s totally fine and who the hell am I to tell you (or anyone) how to live in that respect. I just don’t care for the assertion that all women with a fuller figure should take it as a compliment. Or use the term to, as you said, “dress up” the reality of the situation with watered-down empowerment.
Like, in your situation, it makes perfect sense that the word “fat” is what you needed to hear instead of the more socially acceptable words like “plus” and “bbw” and “curvy”. I’ve been there. And it’s not like I’ve never referred to myself as fat (for those who might think I’m deluding *myself*). Of course! But I’m not standing on my balcony waving a Fat Pride banner and pretending it’s healthy to be 50 or 75 or 100 lbs overweight.
I don’t know. *shrug* It’s just my opinion. I’m sure some might think I’m judging them now, but I’m really not. That’s the whole point.
Thanks for commenting!
Aw hell no would I ever use fat to describe another person. I want it to not sting, I want the damn word to just be a word and not be loaded with all the damn judgement that others manage to lace it with but no way in hell would I ever point to someone or (as that blog did) label someone as “fat”. I’ve had fat-acceptance folks get in my face about loving myself at any weight and not worrying so much about the number. Both sentiments I can get behind AS I’m working to get healthy but, as you said, that’s me, that’s what works for *me*. The word still carries way too much stigma for me to use it on someone else.
This is a sensitive subject from any way you look at it. Some people may think you’re judging them but I understand what you’re saying, completely.
The name of the post is probably coincidental and I considered mentioning it (as in ha-ha, that’s funny!) but forgot!
Whenever someone pops into the FA community and start fat-shaming they are told to STFU>FO, the people attacking you should have known better than to come to your weight-loss support site to rant, seriously. As for what they were claiming, it’s possible they have read stuff like this:
http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-weve-came-to-believe-that.html
and this:
http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/2008/07/exercise-diet-that-wasnt.html
and just really wanted to spread the message.
I love reading Sandy’s stuff, and it’s a great place to start if you should ever be interested in reading the more scientific parts of FA (I guess she’s not technically FA but we like to claim her as our own, heh) rather than the whole ‘I’m fat and fabulous’ parts, which I love but is obviously not everyone’s cup of tea.
Joelle,
Your ability to tell the truth about weight and fat is one of the reasons I loved PDTD. Thank you. If and when it comes back, I will once again be a loyal viewer.
I have long had conflicted feelings about the FA movement. I have spent most of my life being overweight and hated my body and myself because of it. So, I support the FA movement because looking back, I see how much I hurt myself by not accepting my body and loving myself, no matter what the scale said. I am just now able to love and accept the person I was at 220 lbs. I realize how many opportunities I squandered…not doing things or discounting my gifts and talents because I was too obsessed with my fat. I let my fat rule my life and punished myself daily because of it. I look back and if I could redo anything in my life, it wouldn’t be losing weight sooner, it would be loving myself no matter my size or shape.
However, I have real issues with the segment of the FA movement who believes that any support of healthy lifestyle changes or dieting is somehow a hate crime. I lost weight 2 years ago, not because I wanted to look hot, but because I wanted to live a long and healthy life. I witnessed my mom lose her life at age 60 from diabetes related complications. She would have lived decades longer if she had maintained her weight and her health. I honor her memory by focusing on my own health. It isn’t coincidence that the first time I lost weight for the health benefit and not to look good in a pair of jeans, I was successful.
I love the way I look now, but more importantly I love my level of health and fitness. I love that I don’t make excuses to not go hiking with friends. I love that I no longer abuse my body with food. And as I said above, I love myself now no matter the number on the scale. I feel stronger, healthier and saner.
Thanks Joelle. I appreciated your post. It got me to think about a lot of stuff that’s just been stirring around in the big ol’ head of mine.