So, being of a certain age, my biological clock has been tick tick ticking like one of those big alarm clocks in Wile E. Coyote’s ACME bombs. While having a bunny is plenty enough for me right now, I can’t deny the fact that the chance to have a child may be passing me by. Even if you’re not sure if you want one or if you’re ready, the fact that you might not be able to at some point is a bitter pill to swallow. Like one of those big fat horse pills that taste like chalk.
I’m surrounded by moms. Most other women my age either have kids or are planning to and of course, the explosion of mommies on the Internet has allowed me to have a successful career. I love kids (for the most part) and kids love me. I think being a mom is a wonderful gift and a challenging, rewarding, often thankless job. I had an amazing mom and I would love to pass that on all the things she taught me in 10 short years… maybe. See? I don’t even know.
But being enveloped in moms has turned my sensitivity to motherhood all the way to eleven. In the last few years, I’ve experienced more pitying looks, more “As a mom…” authority speeches, more “when you have kids you’ll understand” dismissives than ever before. Realistically, it may not be more, but it just seems like it because I’m more aware of it. You’d be surprised how openly snide women can be when you least expect it. Between blogs and real life, I see, hear and sometimes receive more woman-on-woman snatchery than should really be permitted outside of adult entertainment. Women, let’s face it, can be bitches. And I’ve begun to feel frustrated, maybe a little jealous, resentful even… until today.
I don’t resent all moms or any moms themselves for that matter, I resent the attitude that some moms have toward women who do not have kids – like we’re selfish or like we don’t know as much as they do. Like we’re somehow less than a woman because we can’t, haven’t or choose not to procreate.
So I was watching yesterday’s Oprah that Dooce and Mindy were on over my coffee this morning. The topic had nothing to do with my aforementioned gripe, it was about the “Secret Lives of Moms”. One woman said she didn’t give her twins a bath for 3 weeks (seriously?). One woman said how she let her kids bathe in the jacuzzi instead of running them a proper bath. One woman said she lets her kid cry it out in the other room while she has wine with her husband. (I kind of understand that last one.) Funny stories all, but it was a bit like watching a pissing contest.
I know that moms can be competitive with each other to be or at least appear to be the better mother. But this was like watching people one-up each other in the opposite direction… the stories were surprisingly candid and one after another there were tales of unbrushed hair, lunches comprised from purse snacks and diapers made out of maxi pads and airplane napkins… there could have been a prize for the most outrageous story.
In fact, the honesty, assuming all these stories are true, was refreshing if not a little vexing. But whatever, I take no issue with how one chooses to parent (unless it somehow affects me if your kid grows up to be a little asshole who eggs my car on Halloween). It was nice to see moms being open about their imperfections. It’s about time, really.
Anyway, someone in the audience brought up the whole “stay at home mom” vs. “working mom” argument and how moms have a sort of civil war over that topic. Someone on Skype said (and I’m totally paraphrasing), “I actually think it’s an internal war with ourselves. Did we make the right choice? Is staying at home best for my family? Is working best for my family? It’s an internal struggle with ourselves and therefore moms may choose to lash out at others based on their own insecurities.”
I found this incredibly insightful. It was like someone flipped on a light switch for me. I thought to myself, “Ohhhh, I get it! The internal struggle about working vs. staying at home that causes some moms to lash out at opposing viewpoints is similar to the discord between childless women and moms. Some moms may make snide comments because internally, part of them misses their freedom, envies my free will, free time or disposable income. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids or don’t wish to be moms or are bad moms. It’s human to feel that way once in a while, but perhaps that’s why I feel like some moms give me attitude. Sometimes moms act like I’m less than because they feel less than. A HA!” And I suppose that goes both ways – I may feel resentful because I wish I had what they have… sometimes.
I’m not suggesting they feel “less than” all the time or that these women aren’t fulfilled or don’t love their family — it’s a totally natural and human thing to miss your freedom and mourn passing phases in one’s life, but that realization made me feel less, dare I say, bitter about it. It made me look at moms differently, it made me peel off that label I’d subconsciously placed: “I’m not a woman anymore, I’m a mom!”
I realized that moms are just women, like me, who made choices to take certain paths in their lives and whatever path you take there are going to be mixed feelings and doubts and ‘what ifs’, even if you took the right one.
Somehow that made me feel better about my current baby-free status and what I’m doing with my life. When I get a backhanded comment in the future, I’ll either ignore it or scramble quickly for a zinger, but I’m not going to let it make me feel like less of a woman. I may not ever have kids and I may not ever be able to relate to tales of diaper rash and 3am feedings. But I can relate to being a woman, how challenging and wonderful that can be and all the neurotic weirdness that comes with it.
Never ever ever let someone else’s insensitive remarks define you, even if for a brief moment.
Fuck ‘em if they don’t get it.
Great post! I watched Oprah yesterday (and made my husband watch it, too, so that he’d know I’m not the only one out there who has those “mom moments”!) and I cheered at that comment about the internal struggle between WOHM and SAHM… in so many situations (Motherhood-related or not!) it’s our internal biases or questioning our personal choices that comes sneaking out in the form of snide remarks, negativity or thinly-veiled envy.
Thank you!
Oh and studies show that watching Oprah makes you over think shit. lol
*hug*
Hey Joelle,
I’m pretty much in the same predicament. I chose to go to school learn design and focus on my career. Now it seems every girl I went to high school with has discovered facebook and uses it as a brag book for their kids. Amazing how many became kindergarten teachers! When catching up with these girls it all seemed to be the same response, first thing they commented on were how many kids they have and the constant overly (I’m so happy) sentiments seemed a little forced after awhile. I do every now and then feel that once again a clique has been created that I can’t join because i lack the requisite toddler, and feel bad, but then I recall all the babysitting I did when younger and realize how good I really have it. Love your life, you have a great one! and bunnies don’t have to go to college or soccer practice.
“I resent the attitude that some moms have toward women who do not have kids – like we’re selfish or like we don’t know as much as they do. Like we’re somehow less than a woman because we can’t, haven’t or choose not to procreate.”
A-freaking-MEN! I get this attitude all the time and I just truly don’t understand it. I’ve blogged about this same thing several times in the past year and it continues to vex me. What I really don’t understand is why it’s women that are so damned snide about it. I guess in my (possibly) naive mind, I expected other women to understand my choice more than anyone. Sadly, that’s not always true.
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You would think woman-to-woman that moms would be more apt to understand, but I find that some moms are so wrapped up in being perfect or being perceived as supermoms, they forget to relate to other women as women instead of competing.
I resent that most men [dudes, if this doesn't pertain to you, then move on] don’t even consider the choice of staying at home or working. They automatically assume the woman will make the choice. All of the bennies, none of the guilt. It’s bullshit.
I lost my uterus over 10 years ago. The Princess and I have a godson. We take him when we want and return him to his mommies when we’re done spoiling him.
He’s wonderful, we love him. But, we’re eternally grateful we don’t have any children of our own.
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Yes, I love visiting my friends’ kids… and while I do want to pass on my mom and dad’s genes because they were full of awesome, it may not be in the cards for me or be the right choice for me, so I’ll just hang tight until the opportunity either presents itself or my eggs close up shop, I guess. haha!
Dude. Thank you for writing this.
You’re welcome. I was a little nervous to, to be honest.
Wouldn’t it be funny and ironic and like, the beginning chapter of your next book or the Joelle Movie or whatever, if you turned out to be somehow pregnant right at this very moment?
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It would be beyond hysterical. Literally, like hysterical. And impossible. haha! Sadly.
I’ve been where you are-though I always wanted children-it hadn’t happened for me. Hadn’t met the right guy and my folks and grandparents were starting to give up on me. It took until i was almost in my mid-thirties for relatives to send me christmas cards and invitations to my address instead of including me in my parent’s cards. Even though I haven’t lived with them since college. It was as if I wasn’t truly an adult until I married and had kids.
I decided to adopt at age 36-screw convention. I REALLY wanted to be a mom-and while I wish I could have gone through pregnancy and birth and all that-adoption ended up being a perfect solution. And the folks and grandparents are THRILLED! Bonus.
It’s too bad society (and other women as whole like you say) seem to buy in to the whole-”you’re not complete til you have a child” mentality. It’s either right for you or it isn’t. And if it is-it will happen however it needs to.
Thanks for being so honest. I watched that Oprah too-the thing I was most amazed with was the attitude about sex-that one woman who said her “garden gate” was an OUT door only now . . . what the hell? I mean-I get the tiredness and not being into it but jeez lady. Give your man a break. Some of us single people would welcome a boner in the back. Yeah-that would be me!
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Yes, I disagree. Just because you’ve had a kid doesn’t mean your lady business is all business. Do some Kegels and get some, am I right?
You. Are. Right.
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Oh man, fabulous post. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how I’m not sure if I want to have kids; it had never occurred to me before that it was an option NOT to have them, even though I can’t imagine a situation in which I will be ready to have them…and the clock ticks for me as well. I really loved the way you discussed this issue.
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Thank you!
Must it tick? SERIOUSLY.
Don’t get me wrong… I love my kids (24 and 23 !!! I know I know… I am old )
But I do have one quetion…
When does the Twitching stop???
This is a great post.
I always hope that I am not condescending to those who do not have children. I will admit that the times I do get disgusted are when I hear “I would never let MY child (get away with) (do) (act like) that.” You really think you have an idea of what kind of parent you will be – until you become a parent and the situations come up. You do not know how you will react until you are in that situation. I have two teens & it can get difficult!
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I agree. You don’t know until you’re in it what kind of parent you might be, but I think you would have some inkling of what you would and wouldn’t do, no? Within reason. Though I bet I wouldn’t foresee the amount of wine I would drink!
haha!
My new motto is “Show me a single mom, and I’ll show you a woman with a bottle of wine in her shopping cart.”
Jules’s recent blog entry: So-2 yr olds are like men . . . .