I once said “Fart” and man, got an earful. I mean, it’s a fart. Big deal.

But that’s ok, I made up for it by swearing like a truck driver by the time I hit 24. I graduated from “fart” to “suck my tampon and gag on the string”.

See what happens when we’re oppressed?

The first one occurred when I was very young—probably 2nd grade.  Was in the boy’s bathroom at school and some of the 8th graders were in there.  They asked me to read some graffiti on the wall.  It said “Fuck a duck Mr. Cassidy.” Thinking I was going to impress the older kids with my phonetic skills and ability to sound out strange words, I solved the puzzle.  I did the whole Sesame Street/Electric Comany thing—“fff uhh k a duh k mmmis tur kas i dee.” Once I got the sounds in my mouth, I could say them at normal speed.  They asked me to say it louder.  Then louder still.  And again—until they had me shouting it.  That’s when our principal—you guessed it, Mr. Cassidy—walked into the bathroom to see who was shouting profanities.  The 8th graders ran out snickering.  They apparently knew he had been standing just outside the door…..  S-E-T U-P

A few years later, maybe 4th grade, we kids developed a game whereby the first one into the restroom would hide behind a stall door and jump out at the unfortunate 2nd arriver.  I loved this game.  And played it at every opportunity.  So one day, after laying in wait stealthily for a good 2 minutes, I heard footsteps coming into the room.  At the perfect moment, I leaped out and yelled “Raahhr!”

The look on Mr. Cassidy’s face was priceless—horrified shock.  I swear the man jumped two feet off the ground without bending his knees.  Arms flailing, mouth agape, eyes bugging.  It was very cartoonish.  As they say in the South, he was so frightened he swallowed his snuff.

We were having a big backyard blowout for my uncle’s 60th birthday and the whole family (including relatives from all over) was there as well as friends, neighbors, etc. The kids were in the pool while the grown-ups were enjoying conversation and beer. Lexi wanted to get out f the pool so she climbed out, grabbed a towel and started down the steps (I was watching the whole thing unfold since she asked for my help with a towel). As she was moving downthe steps she slipped, caught herself and yelled loud enough for everyone to hear “FUCK!”

I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.

Miss Lexi was immediately taken into the house by both her mom and dad (who were mortified) for some quality time-out time.

I laugh everytime I think about it!

Imagine if you will when that kid is all grown up, and getting down with some girl.  If she asks him to do “the deed”, he is going to end up saying, “ No way!  My Nanna says that that tastes like shit!”

@Raven:  Oh, I’m sure that story will be pulled out by his family for generations to come… hahaha!

My sisters taught me a song for show and tell.  So I proudly got up in front of my 2nd grade class and sang, “If you’re horny and you know it clap your hands!”

It was my one and only visit to the principal’s office.

@chepooka:  you’re just marking your territory.

My Godmother and her whole family (her mom and dad, her daughter, her grandson, aunts and uncles) were all out at a little country restaurant (like a smaller Cracker Barrel) for her mom’s birthday.  They all sat down and glanced over the menus, deciding what to order. 

The waitress, who was an older lady, came around to take their orders.

Godmother – “I’ll have the chicken fried steak….”

Her mom – “Fried chicken, potatoes….”

Her dad – “Meatloaf….”

Then the waitress gets to the grandson, who is about 4 years old.

Waitress – “What would you like to order, young man?”

He pauses for a moment.  “I think I will try the pussy.”

Forks drop, glasses fall over, people gasp, eyes are bulging out.

My Godmother – “ Jeremiah !! WHAT did you say?????”

Grandson – “I think I will have the pussy”

My Godmother – “ Jeremiah!!!!”

Grandson – “Well Kenny at day care said that his daddy has it all the time, and says that it’s REALLY good!!!”

I don’t think they have been back at that restaurant to this day.