An Open Letter to Tourists

Posted on by

Dear Tourists,

Yes, I mean you.  No, I don’t mean Vacationers Who Visit Our Fair City because I like them. They keep our economy growing and our population interesting.  Those are people who visit me and of course, those people are exempt from any and all ranting I might do about any topic.  I’m totally down with Vacationers Who Visit Our Fair City.  I’m talking to the Tourists. Those people who go on vacation and completely disregard human decency, social graces and common sense (assuming they had any to begin with). It’s as though the moment they donned their sandals with socks, they completely lost their damn minds.

I’m talking to you, Dude in the Hawaiian Shirt and Flip-Flops, crossing the street all zig-zagged any ol’ place you feel like it. Or you, Woman with Camel Toe, Three Kids on Leash and Giant Inflatable Shamu, darting out from behind the dumpster and then demonstratively executing your “pedestrian rights” by stopping to smell the ass of each of your offspring while I try to make a left hand turn.  Could you not have done that when you got to the corner?  MUST you stop in the middle of the street?

And YOU, you stupid jerk-off in the SUV with the out-of-state-plates and no sense of direction.  Left means left. Left means LEFT.  It does NOT mean “Left but maybe right, oh, this is a one way street and maybe we should just park, no, let’s try to get across these 4 lanes of traffic, wait, instead let’s slam on our brakes for no reason”.

It means LEFT.  shock

I totally appreciate that you’re on vacation.  However, I’m capable of going on vacation and not totally disrupting the lives of the city natives.  I know it’s a gorgeous city. I know.  I don’t blame you for wanting to visit.  But don’t be That Guy.  Some of us live here and are trying to get somewhere. Pack up your Tivas and your zinc oxide and your Padres visors and your boogie boards and your hats with the beer cans and your koozies and your crap from the San Diego Zoo and get to STEPPIN’.  Fall is almost here and I’d love to be able to turn a corner without running over someone in a fanny pack.

Thank you. Come again.

xoxo

Joelle

Related Posts with Thumbnails

8 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Tourists”

  2. You just described the drivers in my city. Perhaps they’re all visiting you right now. And seriously, you can keep ‘em. Grrr.

  4. I live in a small town that gets a metric assload of tourists in the summer.  I know exactly, EXACTLY, what you mean.

    And hey!  I have and use a fanny pack!  Don’t you be dissin’ the bag, man.

  5. oh honey. try coming to alaska sometime. try driving to work in the morning, stuck following a caravan of slow-moving motorhomes on the two lane highway. try explaining that yes, we do have internet access in this state, and wow, we even have television! and a gap! and lots of beer! and no fucking penguins! you want penguins, go to the south pole! and yes, petting the polar bear at the zoo will only get your foot chewed off, not a warm fuzzy hug like you were hoping. i think just as the birds migrate south in the winter, the stupid people migrate north to alaska in the summer. grrrrr…