Tenth Musee

I think back to when I first started blogging and how witty and confident and fabulous I felt. I felt like I was on top of the world right around then… really in control of everything and just generally comfortable with life.  Now, it’s a year and half later and I feel… I don’t know. I feel more unsure than I have in a long time, but I’m not sure why. Unsure just isn’t part of my vocabulary anymore, but lately… I don’t know. I feel kind of like a square peg sometimes (Damn, I miss that show).  I sometimes feel heavy, like there are expectations of me, to be funny, charming, perfect, witty, beautiful, virtuous, sexy, blah blah blah blah.  I feel sometimes like I have to be everything to everyone all at once.  I realize this is my own thing… no one else is doing this, it’s just my stupid perception, but where the hell is this coming from?  My whole world is wrapped up in this: my job (which I love), my boyfriend (who I love), my friends (who I love)… I feel like if I stopped blogging, for whatever reason, my entire world might come crashing down around me.

Not that I want to stop blogging. I really like it… it’s still fun for me 99% of the time.  1% is made up of blog drama and other miscellaneous bullshit that I really try my best to stay out of, but sometimes it can’t be helped.  And I hate to write about “feelings” and all that happy horseshit on my blog because I’m just generally not a public person with emotions of the unhappy variety and honestly? I’m just unaccustomed to them.  I’m a happy person, dammit! I’m the girl people like to be around. I’m Fun Joelle!  It scares me to say these things because I think I unconsciously don’t want to be appear vulnerable to those who seek to hurt me—and there are some, right here in this very blogosphere.

Business is booming, I’m getting ready to move into a great new apartment with the man I love, I’m back on my fitness and nutrition game, I feel generally really good about things in my life.  So, why do I seem so different than I did before?  Why do I feel so incredibly UNfabulous when fabulous is generally my view on life?  If I have perpetual PMS, I swear I’m going to get a spork and rip out my ovaries.  That paints a nice visual, eh?